VeganChamp

Thanks to the three of you for your input. I don't know how to reply to your replies individually on here so I'm replying to my original post. I understand that people just accepting themselves for who they are is a major key to happiness. I get it because I've done a lot of accepting of myself, on my own. However, I know that another key to happiness is to follow through on something you really want. I forgot who's quote this is, but it goes something like this: Happiness is when what you think and what you say and what you do are all the same thing. Yeah baby! I have a really hard time with the idea of just accepting everything about myself at this moment. It doesn't make any sense to me. I'm not looking just to make myself feel better. I'm looking to earn something, and THEN I'll feel better. I am happy with the kind of person I am, really. I don't think that we should throw away any concept of how we wish we could be just so that we can settle for who we are at the moment. I don't need a "feel good" shot. I don't drink or smoke or any of that stuff because I don't believe in covering up my feelings. I have my own addictions, I suppose, but to just accept me as I am because I have failed to do anything about my lot in life is just sour grapes. I refuse to do something like that. It's quitting. And I'm not doing this because of what society thinks. I haven't given a flip about what society thinks for years. Seriously, folks, if I did then I wouldn't be an anarchist, atheist, vegan, who doesn't believe in the expectation of marriage and family. This is about what I want. Me. I don't care about money (which is good because I don't have a lot), I don't care about the "in" crowd, and I don't ever try to impress others with my possessions or accomplishments. I love to create. If a painter just sat there with a blank canvas and told himself "You know, I'm going to just accept that I have nothing painted on here. I'm going to not even get my brush wet with the pain. I'm getting older, and I haven't brushed even one stroke, so I guess I'm done with my painting..." you would see someone who was fooling themselves. A bodybuilding competition has interested me, as well. If I could pull something like that off then I would pretty much kill what was killing me. I'm also tall with a tendency not to put on a lot of muscle quickly. I admire the proportions and low fat in many men and women. It would be something right along the lines of what I'm trying to achieve for myself. So, again, thank you three for your support. I know what I'm doing, even though I had to vent a little last night. Everyone has a different path to happiness, I suppose. I do accept myself, but I will not accept what I can easily change. I do believe that I'm not ugly (you don't know how many years it took me to overcome THAT), but I know that beauty is a holistic concept that doesn't just stop at self-image. I have made my choice on what will make me happy. We'll see what happens in a few months.

It's my hypocrisy. This isn't exactly the blog, note, or forum topic I wanted to write about my 2008 so far because most of it has been great. I don't have any real complaints about anything happening in my life except for the one that has just been addressed by me a few minutes ago while I was having a good talk with Isabel. What's been bothering me, holding me back, making me basically unhappy is that I have forgotten what was most important to me. And, by not having that direction instilled in me, I have become truly upset with myself for letting me become that hypocrite which I so despise in people. The most important thing in the world to me is this: .. drum roll please ... because I'm sure about 97% of you are going to be scratching your head, rollng your eyes, or just flat out gonna give up on me when I announce this... The most important thing in the world to me is to be as handsome and athletic as I can be. Yup. That's it. That's not the only thing, of course, but it's number 1 but a mile. And why I've had this undercurrent of with myself for a long, long time is because I've done little to accomplish my goal. I've talked and written a lot about it, sure. I've been a trainer. I am vegan. I help others with their fitness and food choices and attitude and energy. But, for myself, I have never done it consistently. I've never made it a habit. And, as a result, I've never been happy with myself. This isn't one of those things where this is just a part of my overall happiness. I've finally figured out that this IS my happiness. How can I say that so definitively? Well, not to sound arrogant, but I have everything I need or want. I've got talent and abilities in everything from music to acting to writing to sports to activism to desk jobs to school to comedy to directing (I have no doubt about that last one even though I've never officially directed anything). I can have beautiful women attracted to me. I can make friends and be comfortable around lots of people. I can be completely at peace with being by myself for weeks at a time. I am never bored with life. I always have a book that I'm reading, an album I'm listening to, a movie to watch, a place to go, a restaurant to eat at, a friend to help out. I'm into almost everything, and every week I'm getting into something new. I experience joy and wonder at the world around me. I also have a great sense of purpose because the world needs help, on all levels. I have lately taken an approach that is very positive, and I'm happy I have, but it almost made me forget that I shouldn't be okay with EVERYTHING in my life. Certain things that make you feel like you're being held back may actually have a PURPOSE. This is the situation I find myself in. In fact, I've ALWAYS been in this situation. I just haven't really recognized how much it's been holding me back until now. My body and my fitness are so key to my happiness, that I'll sacrifice everything else in my world to get it. Everything. In a way, I already have. If you're reading this and you are a friend or acquaintance of mine, you may have wondered about me in a few ways. You might have wondered why I haven't called you or wanted to go out with you , even though you are a beautiful woman and you think I am handsome. You might have wondered why I haven't gone out on a lot of auditions. You might wonder why I don't have a head shot or portfolio. You may wonder why I've turned down the idea of going out dancing for the umpteenth time in a row, even though I love to dance. You might wonder why I don't get a band together and sing lead. You might wonder why I don't head off to NYC or LA to make it big, especially since I would have a place to stay in both locations due to friends. Well, wonder no more. Now you know. It's because I don't like the way I look yet and I don't like how weak, inflexible, out-of-breath, slow, and uncoordinated I am now. That's the reason. Sure I like good company and good conversation and good sex. Of course I want to be a big movie star, a great writer, a creator of brilliant music and art. Yes, I want to do whatever I can to make the world a better place through political revolution. Yes, I want to dance and travel and even model one day. I just have to put all those distractions away while I concentrate on what will make me the most happy first. And yes, all that "success" would be a distraction. You give me a choice between A) having the body I have now for the next couple of years while I have tremendous success in the field of my choosing, being able to date any A-list celebrity I want, and having the time and money to travel the world... and B) within a few months I have none of that success but I have an awesome body and I'm able to dunk a basketball... it's an easy choice. B. It's B all the way. I wouldn't even hesitate. The hesitation, by the way, is what made me crazy for so long. THAT was the real source of my unhappiness. Sure, most of us aren't completely comfortable with out bodies. Yeah, I get that. But what is not excusable are the excuses on why we don't do anything to change it. This is what has angered/saddened me so, for all my life. I can accept my body for what genetics have given me. I don't think I've ever had a serious long-term problem with that. What I choose not to accept, and I am proud of this kind of denial, is my lack of effort and action in taking care of this problem. And I realize that most of you don't really see a "problem" in the first place. That's fine. Most of you that I've talked to about this say I look great and that I do so much with my life, that I even have the world at my feet (being very complimentary). I'm the apple of a few of your eyes out there. Fine. For you. But this isn't your life. It's mine. I decide what's important to me. I am the one who disciplines myself when I am out of line. I am the one I answer to at night before I go to bed, and the main reason I have a hard time sleeping is not because I'm too skinny or too fat. The reason is that I don't do anything but worry about it. So, in a slight change of what I thought I wanted a few years ago when my last relationship ended, I don't just want to be sexy and desirable so I can fuck who I want without having the complexity of a relationship. I want to satisfy myself in what my physical potential is. I don't have any doubt that I can get there, I just have doubts about WHEN I will get there. I know all the cliches about "getting started." It takes the first step to start a journey of 1000 miles. You gotta start somewhere. The hardest part is the beginning. Blah, blah blah... I've been hearing those things for 12 years. Don't you think it's about time I start earning some different cliches? It's all my responsibility anyway. I'd much rather listen to another quote, this one from Gregg Popovich: Participate in your own recovery. I like that a lot. So, if you're still reading this, I thank you. It's not exactly what I planned on writing since I've made a list of some really good things that have been happening to me lately, but I suppose that can wait until next time. Everything can wait, if it isn't important. On a thankful note, I really appreciate Isabel's support of me in this regard (even though she completely disagrees with my priorities). She's even going to get a gym membership this morning so we can work out together every day. She's doing this for herself as well, of course, but she understands how much this means to me. I've floundered about long enough. I've been diverted with so many things for too long. Because I love so many and so much of the world... because I've been successful with the things I do... I neglected my most important goal: me, my body, and my peace of mind. So, in case you're wondering again at this point, yes I will continue with the acting, the music, the writing, the political activism, the art, and everything else, but my fitness and health comes first. End of line.

I'd like to take personal responsibility for a tiny bit of that back progress since I showed you a thing or two in our back workout together when I was in Portland! Yeah, in my dreams. Folks, it was Mr. Cheeke who kicked MY ass in the workout. Obviously. Well, I've been a little more consistent then, and progress is coming slowly but at least it's coming. Your back looks great, by the way.

I'm just getting back on here myself, but it's good to see the former cowtownvegan back on her saddle. I still haven't told you about my extra week in Portland yet, but I will soon. Anyway, I'll see you around, and if I happen to be passing through Arlington I'll contact you.

... I'm SO in. Anytime there is an excuse to go to a vegan event here near my hometown, I'm in. Pick the dates and I'll show, with either my Green or Veggie Heaven t-shirt on (I don't have a Spiral Diner one yet... sorry Laura!).