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Lighten up, guys! Humor is both glue and solvent


Baby Hercules
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How many vegans does it take to change a light bulb?

Two, one to change it and one to check for animal ingredients.

 

How many meat eaters does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they would rather stay in the dark about things.

 

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because Colonel Sanders was chasing him.

 

Why did the vegetarian cross the road?

Because she was protesting for the chicken, MAN! (Pump fist in air for emphasis)

 

Why did the tofu cross the road?

To prove he wasn't chicken.

 

The parrot joke

A man had a parrot that could talk. Unfortunately, it swore a lot. In an effort to get the parrot to be quiet, he put him in a cupboard. The parrot continued swearing and after a while the man decided to put the bird in the freezer. After that, the parrot started swearing even more. After a few minutes, he suddenly became quiet. The man opened up the freezer and the parrot said, "I'm sorry, sir, it will never happen again." As the man took the bird out of the freezer he wondered what the difference was between the cupboard and the freezer. Just then, the parrot said, "So, uh, what'd the chicken do?"

 

Why does vegan cheese taste bad?

It hasn't been tested on mice.

 

What do you call a militant vegan?

Lactose intolerant.

 

What's the best way to keep milk fresh?

Leave it in the cow.

 

What do you call a vegetarian who goes back to eating meat?

Someone who lost their veg-inity!

 

Meat-eater: Did you hear about the new study saying vegans are more likely to go blind? I guess it's because you don't get the proper nutrition.

Vegan: Nah, it's just from reading all of those tiny ingredients lists.

 

I'm not vegetarian because I love animals, I'm vegetarian because I hate vegetables.

 

Linda: Do you know what veganism is?

Jeff: No, tell me.

Linda: It means no eggs and no milk!

Jeff: Hmm, but how do you bread your steak?

 

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

 

A Seinfeldism:

Isn't it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows? How did that happen? Did some cattleman once say, "Oh, man, I can't wait till them calves are done so I can get me a hit of that stuff."

 

A guy has celery sticking out of one ear, lettuce out of the other, and a zucchini up his nose.

He goes to the doctor and asks him what's wrong.

The doctor tells him, "Well, for one thing, you're not eating right."

 

A couple heard that their vegetarian son was coming home from university for Thanksgiving.

"Kill the fatted zucchini, Martha! Our prodigal son is returning."

 

A missionary was walking in Africa when he heard the ominous sound of a lion behind him. "Oh Lord," prayed the missionary, "Grant in Thy goodness that the lion walking behind me is a good Christian lion." And then, in the silence that followed, the missionary heard the lion praying too: "Oh Lord," he prayed, "We thank Thee for the food which we are about to receive."

 

What does a vegan zombie eat?

GRRAAAIIINS!

 

Seen on a message board

I follow a strict vegan diet. I eat only vegans.

 

Two chums were talking at a ballgame and one offered to buy the other a hotdog.

"No thanks," came the answer. "I'm a vegetarian. I mean, I'll eat a little white meat, but..."

"Oh, I understand. Hey, I'm no cannibal. I mean, I'll eat a few white people, but..."

 

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

 

A bumper sticker

9 out of 10 cannibals agree--vegetarians taste better!

 

A vegetarian, a meat-eater, and a cannibal walk into a bar, the veg' orders a salad, the other orders a burger, than the bartender asks the cannibal "anything for you?", so he replies, "no thanks, i'll wait till they're done."

 

Why do vegans wear snow camo?

So they don't get busted hijacking the Soy Delicious ice cream delivery truck.

 

Anagrams

 

Vegetarian =

I vent a rage.

A great vein

Eat vinegar.

Rage via 'net

Eat in grave.

A vegan rite

Irate vegan

 

Vegetarians =

Vegan satire

I avenge rats

Vegans are it!

Eat vegan sir.

 

Vegetarianism = Meat? I Vegan, sir.

McDonalds' Restaurants = Uncle Sam's standard rot

 

Husband asks, "If animals aren't supposed to be eaten, then why are they made out of meat?"

Wife responds, "If humans aren't supposed to be eaten, then why are they made out of meat?"

 

My brother is a lacto-ovo-pesco-pollo-carne-vegetarian.

 

Bumper sticker: Vegan in a dog-eat-dog world.

Edited by Baby Hercules
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HAHAHAHA!

 

Another one from me:

 

A guy is walking in the desert and runs out of water. He sees an oasis and heads there. When he reaches the oasis though, he finds a dragon sleeping near the well. The guy draws out his sword and attacks. They fight for a while and suddenly the dragon backs off and asks:

- Hey, dude, what the hell do you want?

- I want to drink water!

- Then drink, why are you fighting???

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  • 2 months later...

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