Vegan Bodybuilding & Fitness

wow, crazy story

Today, mother fucker what can I say about today. How about ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!
I swear as shit gets good and managable its all about hey heres a big ol shot of ishitonyourhead. Oh well I still go forward, I still sober, I just keep thinking everythings kosher, the life, the wife, being ok with the summer nights all pent up, bored and all. and then whammy, every thing that comes outta my mouth seems to instigate a fight, or a simple argument that leaves me dreaming of the drugs I know I could take to where I just wouldnt fuccking care to even open my mouth, but I guess this is that thing I kept hearing about, what was it called......life? Yeah thats it, this is that life thing that I escaped from for so many moons. Why the fuck did I do this again? was I really that much worse off while on dope, cause I gotta say I aint fucking seeing the big deal about it today.
Good thing I got in a

I dont know if life ever really gets in balance but addiction definitely throws things out of wack so its going to go from great to terrible for a little while. Stay strong Zin. Do some meditation or something.

No..Zinzen's got a point..life is shit and sometimes its too hard to face. It's not that things "get outta whack"..cause you are taking drugs...have you seen the state of the world today?
I really don't see how life as we know it can continue beyond the next 10 years. if its not through water shortage or food shortage (yep, i hold all those fuckin bone chompers directly and personally responsible), it will be through some war concocted by our corrupt governments to keep themselves fat and rich, or if not, maybe some virus they created in their labs to get rid of 80% of us before the shit really hits the fan!
And that's before I even start talking about the other very real problems coming our way as a result of global warming/climate change!
Anyone who denies that we have a real crisis impending is just plain stupid or ignorant or both and sometimes I dont know how people stay sane and pretend like everything is just fine, and that our kids are going to have a good future etc without the help of some really strong drugs.
I really, honestly and truly believe that life in the future is going to get much, much worse that any of us like to imagine and I really honesstly and truly believe that my beautiful daughter won't live to reach my age
I've often said I got stoned to protect the ones i love from what I really feel about the future of the human race, the planet and exactly how ing humans are in general..like my best m8 always said, we are the cancer of mother earth..pure scum! I feel its too late for humans to change..and even if it weren't ..as a species we are just too selfish to make the necessary changes to stop what is definitely coming our way.
Unlike so many others who are able to switch off from the reality of what's happening, hypnotise themselves with soap operas, daytime TV and excessive consumerism, I just can't pretend that it's all going swimmingly however good my personal situation may be at this very moment!
So tell me..should I bring down everyone else around me. who are relatively happy believing the lie that everything is just fine? Or should i just smoke another spliff, grab the guitar and make everyone smile for a while?
Marijuana blurrs the edges of it all, really it has to be said. I don't want to smoke, at the moment, because I want to look the world in the eye for a change..but it's hard and the sadness of reality weighs me down.- I honestly don't know if it's worth the while!
So what do I do? Well like a "normal" `person I go to the doctor for something to stop me feeling so utterly desolate and depressed and he perscribes a drug FAR more addictive and dangerous than the natural plant I was smoking..oh, but that's OK, because its a LEGAL drug and so socially acceptable. Fucking bullshit!

WOw I totally wasnt even talking about all that horrid shit, more about the fact that I just got in a fight with my wife, then I had a hissy fit like I was a little girl, stormed off and passed out from anger for like ten minutes and then woke up and got some food, none of this was i in control of at all, just watched it happen.
And Coll. B.
I do meditate, as irony has it I used to teach meditation.
I have read Dharma Punx, now into Noahs other book Against the Stream, just saw his documentary, and yeah I stole that shit.
My whole life is a fight for freedom, as for all the horrid shit out there, maybe itll kill us, maybe not, I am in this to free my self from panic and identification with the outcome, for I have no say on who pushes a button and ends us all.

Sorry to break it to you but you were in control of your actions. You always are.
Saying you can't control yourself is a bullshit excuse which makes you a powerless victim. Don't go down that route. You're better than that.
/tough love

Zin good to know that Noah put out another book.I like how you echo his talk of liberation and freedom through spiritual practice and clean living.

Ahh tough love, how sweet.
Off to attempt another morning meditation session. I hope all who reads has a great one

Imagine all the good and bad in the world could be seen by their colour.For arguments sake lets say good is white, bad is black, and in the dead centre, is grey.

Lets say you find a pair of glasses (weed) that hide the bad, and while you have those glasses on, you feel relaxed.What you dont realise is that the glasses are hiding other things too.

The glasses (weed) hide both the black, and the white.So you live in a world full of grey - which seems ok!

The longer you wear those glasses though, the more your eyes are used to looking at the grey, & when you remove the glasses, the white is too bright for them, so you look straight at the black.You do this without being conscious of it.Problem is, you are completely missing all the white in the world, to a degree that you doubt, or are completely unaware, that it is there at all.This is you right now.

Because of this, you are tempted to put the glasses back on.

The only way you can give your eyes long enough, to be able to look at the blinding white, is if you are not allowed to use the glasses anymore at all.Popping them back on is not an option.The longer you have those glasses off, the more your eyes flick over to the white spectrum, and eventually they begin to like the white side more (because truthfully, it is more attractive) Your eyes spend more and more time on the white until one day you realise that you only glance at the black occasionally.This takes a while, but it will happen.

There does seem to be more bad in the world than good, in these times we live in.The future is bleak.But there is amazingly still a lot of good in the world.You have got to concentrate on that, you have got to move towards it, you have got to contribute to it.Seeing the end of the world as likely, may be an accurate prophecy.But if you fixate on it, you are siding with it, even if you dont realise.When you spread this to others, you are making that bad happen.You must look, & seek the good out, you must have hope (not in some gay religious way - but a real hope that you can help make positive changes) You must help others to be hopeful too.This is not easy.I dont say this to you like, "pah, you should be doing this because its that easy"

Its not easy, infact its really, really hard.But its something we all need to practice & nurture.

I hope this is of some help to you.



Good on you bro, you are trying a good thing.Just be strong, keep yourself occupied with things that make you happy.Sometimes small things can make a huge difference.When I was young, I used to buy myself a box of mint chocolates that I really liked, and everyday I would eat them in the afternoon at work.Someone who I worked with for some time, came up to me one day while I sat there eating my mints & said to me "You are a content little person, arent you, everyday you sit there and eat those mints with a grin on your face"

"Yes" I said, "I am"

Those mints cost me £1.50 a day, but their value was priceless.For that 5 minutes, I would concentrate my whole being on the pleasure I got.My point is, find yourself some little things, that make you happy, that you can do everyday, or atleast every week.It can make massive changes.

Thanks...I'll think about what you've said...

Well I can say today, much better then yesterday.Its the wifes B day, so we are off to Vegiterranean to get fancy vegan foods.
Seems that I still cant get a full grip on things I do that bother my wife. I just wonder how much I am willing to give up to make her happy. Is it fair to me? Have I not done plenty, is this just not the selfish voice of my mind, I think it may be, I see you mind.
And this is what I get for being sober, the volume up.
Well just as long as dead people dont start talking to me like they do my ma Im cool.( shes a medium, yeah weird and all but it is what it is)

Dude, keep it up. Arguments come and go. Bad days do the same thing. No worries.

Ahh another day. I am feeling great when Im great and horrid when I am horrid, def better then the gray fuck my life feeling of the last year. Good stuff.
My real hit today was for some reason I was thinking ack on the 2 months of adderal and oxycontin and my heart started screaming out for more, seems like that will be there for a bit.
Gotta pay attention to now, thoughts destroy the soul.
Like they say in recovery, what I got here is a spiritual problem. Something about that is so neat to me, a bunch of cats getting together to fix something that we have no proof is even there, and it has nothing to do with organized religion, just cool I say.

Now tonight was hard, HARD on the Tom. Apperantly my doggie ate some mushrooms and started drooling and puking and shooting a diarreha out his lil bum like you wouldnt fathom. So I rushed him to the doggie ER and they fed him activated charcoal and an anti nausea shot along with some barium, and all the while I am thinking if this dog dies I am going to get wasted, I am sick and tired of these thoughts.
But I have had them for over a decade so I cant expect em to stop immediatly. I gotta take him to the vet for a blood makeup to see if and organ damage has happened, lame. I dont think I ever posted a pic of him, I shall try now.




And just the wife and I a few days ago, just because I think its a funny pic


I am going to try to sleep

Hi Tom, I have been reading your thread and just wanted to offer my support.

Over the last 2 years I have seen my brother go through much of what you are going through now.
He used drugs to get through every day of his life for about 8-10 years.
Watching him learn how to deal with real life has been really painful for me, I am sure infinitely harder for him.
He struggled a lot the first year but over the last 9 months has had to grow up really fast because he is going to be a father (any day now).
I see so much of what he has been through echoed in your posts.

I hope that you have more good days than bad ahead of you.
You obviously have a strong community here and are taking the right steps to get yourself to where you need to be.


This may be too personal, but as someone who has been married for 7 years... may I ask what you and the wife argue about the most?
Definitely don't feel obligated to answer that if you don't want to : )

peace.

-megan