I figure if I can't share this here, then I haven't really improved too much. As this is where it all started, I feel like it should (at least to some degree) be recorded here.
I haven't been on the boards very much since last year, which is too bad because I used to love it so much and still admire the people on here and am friends with many of them in real life. i feel like my fitness (and life) struggles can't be so rare that they are irrelevant to most people if i can help one person in anyway by doing this, then i'll be happy. Writing about a lot of this isnt easy for me, so try and be a little sensitive and non-judgmental when reading it.
This will be a blog of my current growth and also a recollection of my past year(s) simultaneously.
As some of you remember, i was a chubby kid, a fat teen and then went vegan for ethical reasons, dropped thirty pounds and then decided to lose the rest by getting fit healthily. this was all well and good and i was happy, healthy, fit, and confident. Then I found this board and got even more into fitness and got a personal trainer. I was fitter, leaner, and a good model for vegan fitness and strength. thats my (female) back at the top of this page. haha.
but over time, i became obsessed with fitness and nutrition, macro ratios, abandoned social outings to walk on a treadmill etc etc etc. but i would find myself restricting and restricting my intake and cramming protein down to achieve this ideal figure girl type of look (and it was working too!) but then i would gorge myself on foods that i would never normally eat. vegan cakes, cookies, vegan pizza-and i couldn't stop. i would always be so full and "oh well-huess i'll have to go for an extra hour on the treadmill tomorrow" this went on for months and months, sometimes with rare binges and sometimes with more frequent ones.
By about august after an 8 day juice fast, i binged badly. and i was feeling terrible about myself and thought, well-if i could just throw up a little of it, then the damage wont be so bad. ....... anyway-most of you probably see where this is going....
by mid september i was a full blown bulimic. Over the course of 8 months i gained about 25 pounds from all of the bingeing. The stress of moving across the country left little time to go to they gym. i joked that moving to Portland was "vegan junk food heaven" and thats where the weight came from. But in actuality-i was bingeing and purging up to 15 times a day. I was very very sick.
Lean and Green (giacomo) was as helpful as he could be, not knowing the first thing about eating disorders, and was at a loss. All of the competing and dieting down on his end, only made my mind that much worse, and i spiraled downward almost to the point of needing to hospitalized-scared of having a heart attack one day soon. No one knew but maybe 4 very close people to me, but no one could do anything. There was no money for doctor's and no willpower inside of me to stop. It was a monster in my head.
I took time to research people who had beaten the disorder for months on end and saw that although i NEVER SAW THIS COMING, that there were several warning signs that a more knowledgeable person would have seen. I have gone roughly 130 days without any bulimic behaviors and have developed a healthier mindset about food and exercise. I still have a long long long way to go, but they progress i made, on my own, is really something i am proud of.
Although this was a terrible thing to go through (my head has literally been my own personal hell) it has allowed me to learn a lot about myself and my weaknesses. I have some deep rooted childhood issues about food, self esteem and what it means to care about yourself. to this day i have little confidence in myself. and oddly ( i still can't figure this one out) i have incredible body-image/appearance issues. this is strange to me because i am not a superficial person and i dont care what anyone looks like-i dont judge anyone and i dont expect anyone to judge me.....but i judge myself???
anyway.....i'm hoping that i have the strength to keep up this blog. to share some things that i've learned, and hopefully help anyone going through anything similar-maybe even learn together.
Thanks for being supportive guys!
the beginning is always today.