(I posted this at the other eating disorder forum that I post at so ignore the part about TF)
My supervisor called me today to ask me if I could change my schedule slightly and she's increased my hours which is excellent. I also will be getting hours at another group home--one that requires a little more work, which is super exciting. I love my job. I love what I do. I am excited to go to work today. I will be working by myself because my coworker just found out he needs a cardiac catheter put in so he will not be there. Last night I had to work by myself and I liked it because all the responsibilities fell to me. It made me feel like I am worth something. Like I can actually do something with my life. It was very validating.
I am struggling very badly with body image and restricting today. The body image thing has been an ongoing thing for awhile especially since I have gained 15-17 pounds since June. So I have been going to the gym a lot to deal with my body image. If I am going to be eating and keeping food down, I want to turn my body into muscle and have a kick ass body. None of this flabby shit that I have going on. I am so grossed out by myself right now. I literally cannot stand being in my body. Forcing down the food involves daily tear fests and calls to all the supportive people in my life who can handle a nut case like myself at this time.
I found out from my mom yesterday that she put me on the prayer list at her church in June. This is when I started turning things around for myself. It's obviously no coincidence. Just the right combination of factors coming into play: the prayers from God knows how many people, me being upset that my brain function has noticeably and considerably declined from this disorder since I graduated from college evidenced by my struggle to maintain a B average in law school and then quitting when I got too overwhelmed, me turning to my spirituality to help me get through this time and start recovering, me working in therapy. As I said, so far I have gained 15-17 pounds depending on the day, I have quit smoking completely (3 weeks clean tomorrow), only one binge/purge in August, drastically reduced my purging (now I purge 1-2 times a day usually long after the food has gone through my system so its just fluids coming up). I'm pretty fucking proud of myself.
Right now I'm just trying to become a better person and undo the damage I have done in my real life and on TF. All I can do is work on my recovery and hope and think before I speak so I don't hurt anybody. I have a lot of remorse about what's happened on TF. I do not know the person I was when I pulled any of the shit that I have here. I'm so ashamed of myself and honestly it makes the self hate 100 times worse. I just want to be better and gain respect and integrity back. I seriously feel so lost but these last few weeks I really feel like I'm coming around and that my true self is just around the corner.
I genuinely hope everyone is in a good, safe, happy place today. I wish nothing but the best for everybody on TF. I wish we could all get better but I know that people have to get better on their own watches, when they're ready, when they're own right combination of factors comes to a peak.
Today's workout and food:
today was an off day for working out, but I went anyway.
450 crunches of various kinds
60 minutes crazy cardio machine I do not know the name of (472 burned probably more like 400 since those machines are always off)
no weights today because I was supposed to take the day off
1 liter water
no breakfast/no snack/no pre or post workout snack
protein shake made with 1 scoop chocolate peanut butter spiru-tein protein powder, 1 cup 8th Continent Light Vanilla soymilk, 1 cup water, cinnamon, Hershey's sugar free chocolate syrup, ice
planned for the rest of the day:
Back to Basics 1 servings vegan Sesame Tarrogon crackers
2 Quorn 'naked' cutlets
2 servings vegan gummy bears
I know my food sucks today but I have to restrict because I ate so much yesterday. I know---excuses, excuses.