Saturday Sep 28: Eat and Lift!
Had a nice legs/shoulder workout today:
- Warm up: 10min rope, 3x20 push-up, 3x20 bodyweight squat, 3x20 sit-up
- Upright row: 4x8
- Seated dumbell press: 4x8
- Back squat: 2 warmup sets and then 5x5
- push press: 2x12
- Overheard plate lunges: 2x40 steps
And my way back to bulk start up today: I'm going to the indian restaurant, eating some shit!Edit
: Ok! I needed a cheat... Feel guilty... Feel anxiety because someone might have put something non-vegan in my plate but... feel better!
These weeks of cut should have ended the 4th of october (next week) and the goal was to be "ripped" for the next weekend (later i will tell you why). Actually durning this period i completley lost sight of my goal, in the last few days i completely forgot that this had to come to an end, it was no more an effort to achieve a goal, it became my life, something that had to last. It became a fight with a forgotten enemy. I don't know how to explain that but my motivations was lost since i had no more goals then i was only dragging myself trought that.
Today when I was eating realized that when i'm eating there's a certain point that once i overcome it's like i can't turn back.
I used to be fat when i was young, really fat, obese... I was over 250lb. When i became 18 troubles were already started: I was depressed, I didn't go to school, I had trouble at home and problems with food begun (or was already started?). It all started a night after i ate a kebab, once at home i thrown up... After the first time it did not take long to become an habit, I'll spare you the talk about "throw up the food is like throw up the world, throw up the things you do not like" that took me to something like "I dont even want to get the world and the things i do not like inside" and to actually stop eating. Later in summer it became an obsession, in a moment of strong stress everything escaped me and the food was the only thing that I could control and day after day, week after week i dropped down to 120lb. Then the binges restarted, then the puking, and then the no-eating and so on.
But going back to the point, there's a moment when i'm eating, the moment when i lose control that i feel like it has to be forever and not just that bite. A moment when i feel like i want to keep eating forever, like i have to keep eating forever, to go home and binge, to binge again tomorrow, like "ok you're done, you're fat again, just eat".
I started it all with the wrong setting, i started it all as a "punishment" for my holliday... But now i will go through these last days concious of where i started and curious to see where i will arrive as it should be (easy to talk now that i'm full of carbs and sodium aka rice legumes and spices xD, last weekend of your cutting: the best moment for a cheat! Lol I'm kidding, i didn't know it was ending
), and the desire to look at the future objectives.