That’s an appropriately ugly name for what is, for vegans, a potentially ugly holiday. Yule blog. Sounds like something from the Kingdom of Gozer, Zuul’s sinister little brother.
Enter the Tofurky.
The Key Master and Gate Keeper to a merry christmas, with or without the cheer. While preparing the Tofurky, which resembles a bomb more than a fake bird, I had visions of Rick Moranis hosting a vegan christmas party...
LOUIS (played by Moranis)
That's Tofurky. The real thing. It costs
$24.95 but really $12.48, just not at Whole
Foods. I'm writing this whole party off as a
promotional expense for vegan_accounting.com.
That's why I invited clients instead of friends.
Try the yam fries, they’re dynamite at room
temperature. Maybe I should turn the heat
up a bit ...
A VEGAN WOMAN wearing a “do it raw” button moves up to Louis.
C'mon Louis, maybe if we eat some
of the fruit other people will start.
They start to devour melon balls.
The doorbell rings. Louis bolts for the door hoping it's John Robbins. It's another couple. Louis escorts them in and takes their coats.
Everybody, this is Ted and Annette Fleming.
Ted has a dairy allergy, and Annette is writing a
hemp cookbook using a deferred bonus from two years
ago and the house has $15,000 left at eight
He goes to the bedroom door with their coats and opens it.
INT. BEDROOM -- NIGHT
On the bed, standing up on all four legs, is a bristling, panting, live meat-eater. Too preoccupied to notice it, Louis reflexively tosses the coats onto the bed. They both land on the meat eater's head.
INT. LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT
Louis comes out of the bedroom and closes the door. Then from within there issues forth a tremendous roar that rattles the christmas tree.
Okay. Who brought the dog?
Despite the potential for humour and ridicule, we enjoyed our Tofurky totally unquestioned. We had roasted it at home and brought it to our conventional-food-eating relatives’ house. Once carved into slices, it actually resembled turkey and stuffing. With the help of a crantini or three it could probably go a few bites unnoticed by the unsuspecting carnivore. But it was far too precious to waste on silly pranks.
This was our little christmas miracle – a real dinner. It went well with a glass of wine, and a side of mashed maple yams. More importantly, it included us in the family tradition, guilt-free. Yes, the rest of the family ate a turkey body, bird carcass, carrion, however you want to think of it. Neither of us enjoyed seeing it on the table. It was actually quite a weird feeling to see it, and think that just one year ago, we’d have eaten it. Yech!
But this was not a battlefield. This was not a forum for espousing the virtues of veganism, or for picketing the christmas table. We were thankful for our own convictions, and reminded ourselves that patience and being healthy examples of human beings were the best way to deal with holidays. We just politely averted our eyes and got down to what christmas gatherings are really for – drinking, er, visiting!
posted by veganunderground # 10:37 PM
who ya gonna call?