I started reading "Letter to a Christian Nation" in Borders the other day and ended up just buying it. Hard to pay $16 for such a short book, but what the heck. It did dawn on me that Sam Harris is probably a fairly wealthy guy at this point, and his publishers can't hate the $$ he's bringing in, even if they hate the content of his book. Anyway, I'm not in enough yet to give any opinions about it.
I also got to reading about dark matter - the theory that there is some kind of matter which makes up much of the universe, but that can't yet be seen. The theory is yet to be disproven and has been backed up in several different studies. One study looked at galaxies and noticed that the stars on the outside of galaxies move around the center point of the galaxy a lot faster than they should. So they theorized that the space between the stars can not just be empty space - it has to contain something that is helping to propel those stars. I think it's jello
But they theorized that it's "dark matter". Looking at galaxies 7 billion light years away - which is about half as far as they think the universe stretches - helped them to prove the theory.
So what does this all have to do with anything? Well it just got me thinking how HUGE the universe is and how earth is just a miniscule speck in the universe, and how I'm just a miniscule speck on that miniscule speck. And that even if I did become the greatest person ever on the history of this planet, I'd still just be a speck of a speck. And I think back to End of Faith, and to the analogy that Harris makes about the founders of religion, and how they would have thought the wheelbarrow was the greatest engineering feat in history, and yet their thoughts on spirituality are still used as the foundation for so many people's lives today (even though most live them incredibly hypocritically). It just makes me feel so inconsequential, so tiny, that it's almost nauseating.
I have a thirst in my life to find truth. It's like truth is waiting at the end of a long maze. And through unbiased and unfettered (socially speaking) thinking, we get closer and closer to the truth. But what if we get to the end of the maze and find out that the truth is completely unfulfilling in that it tells us nothing about how to live our lives other than that it doesn't matter, and that we make no difference - and that even if we did make a difference - it wouldn't matter. And I suspect that is where my quest for truth is heading, so why not just assume I'm there?
What would I then do? Would I rather believe the lie that I do matter, that we matter? Or is the point that I matter to me? That what's important to me is not by chance, but has seeped up from the mud of my genes because I was able to abandon any bias and presuppositions, because I have torn down and carefully considered every brick in rebuilding my house of truth. Is it enough to know who I am, and why I do what I do? Is everything else just distracting clutter? Are there more bricks that I need to tear down and replace (thinking of my job now) so that I am closer to "living true"? I guess maybe the truth - that I don't matter - is indeed fulfilling! In fact, I can't think of anything more important than the fact that I don't matter
This all kind of came to me this morning after I heard back that I didn't get a job I was hoping to get. I think I would've liked it, but in the end I didn't have enough specific experience. But I had ideas on how the job would have evolved and it's quite possible, perhaps even likely, that it wouldn't have worked out the way I wanted it to anyway, so that's ok. But it did get me thinking how not aligned my current job is to who I am. It's closer than my former job managing a call center for an insurance company, but in the day-to-day, it's ultimately unfulfilling and uninteresting to me. But it's pushing me in a direction that I hope I'll get to sooner than later, but that I know I'll probably get to at just the right time.
So now I think I'll make a list of what matters to me and why, and how it helps to define me. Maybe that'll be my next blog.
Anyway, thanks for reading. And remember: you don't matter.