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Comedy Battle


Guest Co
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Yo Co,

 

I told you I'd come back, but this is quick, no time to rap. Sorry I didn't come to the movie, I know you're just a wannabe Vegan Bodybuilding groupie, but it's cool and I respect it, I'll be competing again in October, and you'll be there right? I expect it.

 

I just took 3-hour nap, but before that 3 bowls of cereal, so now it's time to take a crap. I know this time around my lyrics are basic, like 6 weeks of training, you know I Ace it. I was once the king of this battle, I had you all herded like a field of cattle, you knew that was coming cause when we babble, I dabble in the game of srabble and rhyme the words until your head raddles and your up stream with no paddle and you hop on my horse and sit on the saddle, cause you behind my like you always was, I'm telling you son so listen up cuz.

 

The reason I'm here is not to tell you to shove things up your rear like I once did, not that did, but I said as a kid, and I think you understid, cause now you cover the hole by wearing a lid and a bib on your chest when you vomit the best you can spit and back in the day I'd say your rhymes smell like sh*t, but I cleaned up my act like I said a while back and I'm here cause I promised if I didn't come to the movie, I'd type something whack on the forum, and boredom set in tonight, so I came here when I should be in bed for goodnight.

 

I know this rap sucks but it saved me at least 10 bucks in gas and admission to the movie, sorry I had to pass. I rested and bested myself in the gym and I'm back at it tomorrow one mo gin. Back attack, come get some, I know you want some, 100 pull-ups, I'll show you how it's done son.

 

Aight dude, you my brutha, I'll catch you up in Portland soon for anotha comedy session, man that crowd be messin, and my head be stressin because I learned my lesson, you gotta fit the mold and it's like I'm sold, I'm done and washed up, they seen enough and want me to shut up. So for now I will, but they can all lock mi pill.

 

Peace out doggy cat,

 

Keegan The Vegan

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Sometimes I sit sideways on the toilet, can you baloive it? That's like believe, except it spelt differently. Bruce Lee has nothing on Jaa, my house is right next to the Spar. You people in yankee land don't know what Spar is. It's like a crappy food store that also rents vids. By vids I mean videos. Your life partner is hideous. You have to work hard to get those two to rhyme. Change the end of 'hideous', and then you'll be fine. You'll see what I am saying. I doubt anyone would be paying for me to MC, but that makes no difference to me, I don't swim in the sea. It's full of poopie. And by poopie I mean turds. I like to hang out with nerds. JBL should not be champion, it should be Rey. Are they even on the same program? I am not up to date. Last time I saw it, I think they were on Smack Down. They should fire Big Show, Viscera and all the Diva clowns. Women's wrestling didn't used to be shitty. Now with divas it's just about titties. Chyna and Lita knew what they were doing. If I went to a live event, you can bet I'd be booing, when Divas come out. Or maybe I'd shoot out from the audience and powerbomb their ass on the ramp. JR sucks, Coach is the champ. I'd put JR through a table, and then I'd slap King. What do they think they're doing with those bums still going.

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Tofu tastes better than meat

Don't believe me

Then try it, you'll see it's a treat

Throw it in the frying pan

And eat it with a yam

And you'll go bam

Like Superman

Super vegan man

Making sucka meaties

Look like rotten cheese

There ain't much of a fee

For eating beans

Staying strong and lean

Like a big machine

MC Popeye

Eating Spinach

Gots muscles bigger than your head

Not like

The fat man eating hamburgers

Having a heart attack

You stay back

From that and go ack

That junk my body lacks

I stand back

And watch the sucka meaties go crack

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  • 2 weeks later...

Does anyone still say 'bod' instead of 'body'? Remember I'm logical like Spocky. That's Spock's nick name from Star Trek. Don't believe me? Then you're dumb like Phoebe. From Friends. I'm a ninja so I can blend - into the background, that's one of my abilities. My only disability is that I have colourblindness. I haven't been to Loch Ness. Did you know that 'Loch' just means 'Lake'? Some fool tried to kill me with a stake. He thought I was like Blade, a ninja and a vampire. Too bad for him, I clotheslined him with a tractor tyre. You might wonder how that is possible. But this isn't mission difficult, it's mission impossible. Well it's not really is it. I like school visits, because kids have candy. I take it from their bags, the teacher sees me and he - chases me. But I disappear in smoke. Remember don't eat soap. You might be tempted because it looks like a giant candy. But looks can be - decieving. Soap tastes like crap. Let me draw you a map. Well it's not so much a map, it's more like a diagram of how I snap - your neck. You read it and then you crap - your pants, because you know it's real. Give me five bucks, maybe we can make a deal. Or give me candy.

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I see Co's such a badass, white boy from da hood, I'd sure like his raps if rappin he would.

Got no reason or rhyme when he spinnin his verse, only'd sell records because he can curse

Anothah white brothah, try's playin it ghet' - look in da mirrah, ain't you seein it yet?

Ya boys got no soul like a sistah girl, no - back to the subburbs you might as well go

Ain't no way you see wrestling on our televish,on the street's where it happens - ya get me - cahpish.

Dr. Seuss rhymes have a their own place and time - after Sesame Street with a non-talking mime.

Yo asses are sorry an I no time to be rippin, watch dem shoe laces you bounda be trippin.

Ya momma double tied em i know that it's tru but they surely be loose by the time I am thru

 

Check em. I'm Out.

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Veganmardre your words are basic face it your one dimensional and I shape shift in ship shape my sharp remarks remake keeps sakes like winning sweepstakes i'll cut you off and watch all your hot air deflate.

Anyways Richard you still stuck on candy? Listen buddy bod for body is like straight 80's. big hair and spandexed ladies, madonna crazy, b-boys, macy's and the start of crack babies.

And pay attention you primative puddle of piss, thats right im addressing the drag dressing bag named chris. See this is how I handle vandles like bar fly see I get the news paper and I'm like shoe fly don't bother me. I'll hit you with the paper the pencil and the whole damn tree then ill plant some more for sure for the eco-friend-lee.

Whoever else is up for challenging Im right here. Better bring I've been know to picasso ears. Ive since show to gobble peers similar to how bar fly tossles beers. Similar to how Keegan squables rears. Im that nice I keep it toasty like champagne cheers.

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Co, you have half a name. It's barely even a word. You've got a picture of me on your bedroom wall, well that's what I heard. I just did some chin-ups. I still suck at them, but I won't give up. I've done a poo twice today, once after lunch and once when I woke up. I didn't do it in my bed, I went to the toilet. I won't spoil it for you, I'll let you catch the video. Of me doing a poo. I post it on the internet, for people to downlood. I also sell soiled underpants, I get long rants, from my customers' parents. It's not my fault, each to his own. My underpants smell like my ass, 100% home-grown. Obviously I don't grow underpants, that's just silly. I mean I grow the smell from my ass and my willy. Anyway, I got your email Co, I will send you a sample. You don't believe me, here's an example:

 

http://www.godfist.com/filthypants.jpg

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This may be my favorite rap so far. I've been so busy but not at the bar. I've been home all alone just workin, not like Richard in his bathroom Jerkin to make a video for Co, only $45 don't you know, that's a steal when you know how real it is, his pants of full piss and poop, stankin up the house like a chicken coop.

 

Now Rich-dogg, that was funny, calling my boy Co out like a bunny, like the white rabbit he is, watching your video of piss, poop, and j*zz, yeah pick vowel to go where that star's at, a vowel to move in, not a bowel movement, whatcha starrin at?

 

Yeah my name's Cheeke and I got some nice ones, nice yum yums, the number 1 set of buns, what I'm sayin is something Co can confirm, I got a hot A$$, all round an firm. It's from squattin while yo A$$'s gawkin, looking at me do my thing, while Rich is back in his bathroom with the poop stain ring in the toilet, oh wait don't tell me the end of the movie, don't spoil it.

 

I'm not at slick as I once was, when my raps were tighter than the place between my buns, but it's ok, I've been busy, with my job and website and movie editing for shizzy.

 

Rich you're online right now again, ain't no surprise, you on here brings out the gleam in my eyes, cause you are one of the guys who's the most like me, ain't gonna tell you to bite in, your rock #1 with awesometivitity, enhancing this whole vegan fitness community.

 

Well, I better get going, get gone, you know it won't be long until I'm back again, like that again, like I was and like I will be one mo gin.

 

Cause you know if you scroll back to page 2 and 1 you'll know where I'm at on this rap ranking systUM, #1 you know it, don't like it but own it, marked it history to show it, I'm hip and I know it, ya'll can blow it. What can you blow, a nickname for Richard, only 4 letters, you know?

 

Holla back ya'll.

 

-Thin Thin Rappin Him

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Obviously my rhymes are the sickest slickest dont make me punk ya'll like sid vicious You dont understand the metaphors cuz you-all are the quickest. Leaving marks are you with my quarks like stains on richards briches. Bitches are female dogs, she-males hog every chance to slob on vegan robs nob. He likes pegina, I stole that word from this one whiner or should I say winer, or wine-o my mind flows and opens up port-als mortals cant combat my lui cane type attacks. Don't fight back with wack wise cracks about my how my style lacks all the while I compile rhymes that leave your ass packed.

Okay ya you got me rich I hung your picture up on my wall for easy access actually its up there for target practice. And yes I was the first one to buy your undies covered in shit but I did it for your mum to save our relationship. See she was up-set and she stopped putting out and that left me cock in hand on her living room couch. ANd if getting you a sale was what it took to get me laid I got you paid right away with no time to delay.

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Yo Co,

Stop stealing the show.

Stop or I'll slap you silly,

Stop or I'll give you a wet Willie.

Foshizzle,

now I have to take a pizzle.

I am constipated and going bathroom,

I am pressing hard,

There it is, a loud fart.

It's insane,

I just popped a vein.

Now I am draining,

so I'll stop complaining.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I havent been here in a hot minute I drop gimicks that will pop eyes like spinach Im not finished this post diminished tryin' to bring it back with a grimmace, start a rap scrimage stack limits like texas holdem you foldem my rhymes like the dead sea scrolls biters stole em. Cory holcom is a funny comedian let me proceed again where's that funny ass keegan vegan? No competition around im dumbfound some clowns think they can impound this lyrical car I drive full force through the internet super highway source of course i have remorse my words are so damn sick I killed this board.

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  • 1 month later...

I slap you with my wang

patang

I leave you de-fanged

that means you're harmless

I apply the choke-hold to farmers

I suplexed your mom

then I got her in the powerbomb

I put her through a table

which left her disabled

she was more concerned with the table

I wasn't able

to comprihend

how stupid your mom is

I don't like alanis

morissette, she sucks

I'd hit her with my truck

I guess I'll have to buy one now

Or I'll cut her in half like Kung Lao

with my extra sharp hat

oh you don't like that?

What about head-off like subzero?

I stick my wang in your ear hole

Chuck Norris slapped Michael Cole

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Yo I see mouse

to mouses

doing resuscitative arts

I know slapped

de-fanged farmers

who ain't yarn eaters

yo I hear the complaining

in the mains

of the bathroom has stopped

like slick metaphors

getting punked

and punks

full of soap in their brains

being washed down the drain

a drain lacking verse

because it's too perverse

and you're not alone

you know because

even through the phone

you can smell the chicken coop

but its not chickens

it's smelly underpants

that need to be cleaned

by hind lick manuevers

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Jza,

 

You must have missed some of our early posts on pages 1, 2 and 3, because the hip hop was flowing dogg. Check it:

 

Now I’m back at it one mo gin, I was out of town in Seattle this past weekend, doing the bodybuiding thing bumbin shoulders with Ronnie, talking bout outliftin Mr. Jackson named Johnnie

 

It’s nice to see Co, Mr. top CEO, coming back with the flow with below the belt blows, make me stay on my toes, makin lyrics like no one knows, that is just how it goes cause we say it and spray it, that’s the way that we play it. It’s not fair, I don’t care, I got blonde in my hair and I’m cute and I know it, so I that’s why I show it. You may have some envy but don’t by my enemy, just be my friend, and my dogg til the end and we’ll go out in Bend and climb the rocks with the men who have no fear and then, we don’t lose we all win.

 

Now Co I can tell that you know me so well cause you’re there when I tell you that I just need some help. Like I told other friends to help the Forum get started, they sat with their head in their ass and they farted. They didn’t say a thing, not even one post, they say they’re my friends but not there when it matters most, to me, you see, I have to be me, four, two, or three, but the what rhymes with son, and you ask who’s your Daddy, and I’m number one, and I say with pride, I don’t run and don’t hide my physique from the crowd, I’m here and I’m loud and I’m close to the top if you like it or not, you must give respect or I’m breakin your neck and your legs and your joints to rack up some more points in this beating I’m eating and breathing to live and give hope to those who want it and try with the gleam in their eye to be like me so tight you see, that’s how it should be.

 

I know it sounds lame but I am just the same as you are, and everyone else, and I’m not that special, just look at myself. I’m just a white guy who raps out his life like Wonder Years nerd boy, Kevin’s best friend Paul Fife-ER, you heard, when I came in and spat it, too bad I can write but no way I can rap it. If I could sing than no thing, we’ll all have bling bling cause I know how it tell it the way that folks eat it, like Bad and Thriller, MJ can Beat It.

 

What about a battle with the chocolate candy, he’s white too but his name isn’t Andy, it’s Marshall and he’ll tell you that his live Matters and Mathers can throw all those M&M wrappers, cause he’s melting his way to the top of this business, but maybe it’s my shot in my pants as I piss it, and miss it cause I can’t sing a note and I’m broke and this life is a joke but this joint I won’t smoke. If I just took some lessons than I would be messin with some of the best in the business and my albums be blessin the lives of those who gave it a listen to see this whole time what the hell they’ve been missin.

 

Aight Co, I gotta go now, I don’t know how it’s like Wow, I’m some sort of Celebrity now. When someone yells Vegan its ME that they’re seein, Cheeke in their face and my ass is on pace to make an impact while my life is still intact. I am up to bat and I’m swingin and bringin this rhyme with no reason. I just swung too hard and the ball it just passed and my bat flew around and I fell on my ass.

 

But I’m back up to say that I am here to stay, if you like me or don’t, affect me it won’t, cause it’s all games and fun by the way that its done and this is my story of how I got what I won.

 

Peace……and I’ll holla back Co.

 

Keegan The Vegan

_________________

Robert "Keegan The Vegan" Cheeke

Healthy Food Defines You

"Let yourself be silently drawn by the strong pull of what you love"

www.veganbodybuilding.com

 

This is one of my favorite sections of lyrics I've written. If you think about it....it all ties in so well, I love it:

 

What about a battle with the chocolate candy, he’s white too but his name isn’t Andy, it’s Marshall and he’ll tell you that his live Matters and Mathers can throw all those M&M wrappers, cause he’s melting his way to the top of this business, but maybe it’s my shot in my pants as I piss it, and miss it cause I can’t sing a note and I’m broke and this life is a joke but this joint I won’t smoke. If I just took some lessons than I would be messin with some of the best in the business and my albums be blessin the lives of those who gave it a listen to see this whole time what the hell they’ve been missin.

 

Cheeke - Dawg

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  • 1 month later...

I figured this post needed some rescue service I'll do my best to resessitate this nerd quest. Nervess? well you should be even with bad spelling im still sicker than herpies. Hey buggers By the damn vegan fitness DVD! Its got class and its got my ass sportin a mustache. hmmm...to be continued I must go now.

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Word, Co keepin it real, back on the forum to spit your schpeal, thanks for the DVD props man, thats my dogg for real. He's my boy with the stache, a real vote for Pedro Napolean Dynamite bash.

 

Co's back with the rap/comedy combination attack to slapjack your sack of push-pins and thumbtacs you be using to put up our posters, of our movie, come now, can't be forgettin about that you posers, not in trunks or on stage, but stuck in a cage of being somethin ya ain't all covered in paint, doin them 500 lb squats and ya faint. That's why I don't do em, not in the movie, you're booin, but don't be callin me out, watch the whole thing to see what we're all about. The Vegan Fitness Team is here put up your hands and shout like you just freed a trout in the mouth of the lake, saved it from ending up on someone's plate, saved a mistake, warmed spirit you can't break.

 

Ok, now, I'll admit I lost it, that flow I used to bring with, I tossed it. But dont' worry I'm still hip hop and you seen me dancin, all a dem ladies be like "oh look he so handsome" and I know it, I can be some kinda pretty boy but that's not all I am and I try not to annoy but I'll tell you one mo gin, I agree with my boy, get out there and GET MY MOVIE that's our ploy. Get it all hyped up as Co typed up and piped up get my 2 cents in the cup, cause 2 cents is all I got, please fill up my empty tea pot, with your purchase of the MOST ANTICIPATED VEGAN MOVIE you ever bought!

 

So it's all ill, time for me to chill and check out the other threads for real. Thanks for comin back Co, you my dogg bro.

 

Cheeke

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  • 1 month later...

So Some dood logs in as "guest" waists his breath talkin crap who the ---- you tryin t' impress. Here's a suggest' take off that invisible vest show who you are to the rest of the whole damn list. Here's another suggest, how bout' before your ass trys t' dis, admit your inadequit thats why you never try t' spit. You probably shift, probably a man sportin' some tits, probly unequipt, probly even talk with a lisp. Probably been wipped, probly get off when takin' a shit, probably quick been takin' as somebody's bitch.

 

PS Rob sorry that might be too hard for your site feel free to delete if you think so.

 

PPS to the "guest" - Come back if you can... and who's to say we're not hip hop, hip hop is everyone that has love for the art. Im not old skool but I've been hip hop since Please hammer don't hurt em'.....ahahahahaha

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  • 2 months later...

So I hear a new addition to this post is Dave Foster? Or is it just some strange imposter? I say two shay add him to the roster. You tossers cant handle my ufo flying saucer type rhyme squashers. I find monsters, they get inside my head an tryn wonder. No bother i smother brothers like smuckers when I jam. I am that man call me shazaam! This is no scam I own cans and cans of woop ass my shits so hard ill make ya poop glass. stupass obviously short for stupid ass i didnt mean to be short but I'm trying to type too fast. AND just to clarify this is not intended to insult Dave! This is just friendly welcome see ya have a nice day!

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