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Hello my name is Tom and I am a drug addict.


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Alot of people are addicted to things like tv the same way some gamers are addicted, when you think about it. It's just that:

 

Addiction is something we all run into, some addictions by society are good, some bad, to me they all run in the way of freedom. I must be free, i will be free.

Word.

 

Our society is really sick. We got to take care of ourselves in it.

 

Tom, everyone here in this forum has your back. You're doing great. It's gonna get easier, but it will probably keep coming in waves of easy hard, easy hard. It's just that the waves of it will get less and less intense. I hope you're feeling good about doing what it takes to make this stick. You fucking deserve it.

<3

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Word son, right.

It is the inborn peace that I have known in ever so slight moments since I have been in this life that allow me to keep pressing on. I am damn aware that under all this fucked up pain and suffering is love, life is suffering but freedom is available to all of us in this life.

It aint god, it aint magic, its hardcore work and right intent. I have no choice now, once started better finish, I have been fighting this shit for 28 years, its time to find my peace, time for all of us to do the same.

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The most dangerous addiction I saw was when I was a student. I was sharing a flat with a girl addicted to sex! Yes, I know lots of you are probably thinking "I know/am someone addicted to sex!" but addiction to sex is really dangerous. Apart from having No friends whatsoever because she tried it on with your dad, or boyfriend etc...she was so desperate for sex that she used to walk through hyde park at 4 in the morning wearing practically nothing. One day she came home with a huge gash in her head. Some guy had hit her with a wheel brace and raped her. We went to the police and I remember in the interview, when the police asked her to describe her attacker, all she did was talk about how good looking he was and how she would have fucked him if he had thought to simply ask. The police were looking at me astounded..obviously! Turned out she had a fractured skull and could have been killed. However, this didn't stop her asking the police that, if they found her attaker, could they please give her his phone number. Obviously, she wanted to fuck him again!

Moral of the story, whatever your addiction, there's always someone WAY worse off than you!

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Our hell is only ours to judge, I may have never gotten raped walking around looking for sex but I have had my share of horror. I totally feel your opinion, but worse, better, these are opinions in the eyes of those seeing others then ourselfs.

I am cool for now, starting the 12 steps tomorrow, going to meetings and freeing myself from the hell of my mind.

Tomorrow itll be 2 weeks, 2 weeks in 15 yrs.

Hells yeah kids

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Our hell is only ours to judge, I may have never gotten raped walking around looking for sex but I have had my share of horror. I totally feel your opinion, but worse, better, these are opinions in the eyes of those seeing others then ourselfs.

Yeah..good point

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Hi Tom;

 

Just wanted to say that I'm really proud of you. I've been following along and I KNOW this is not easy for addictive personalities. I could SOOOOOOO easily be an alcoholic. It's a huge fear I have... I go through rough patches where I want to escape in it every single night (alcohol) and I have to dig REEEEEEEEEALLLLLLY deep not to. I just remember that I want to do big things with my life and I sure can't do them if I saturate all of my brain cells and destroy my body with substances. I truly feel there are addictive types of people and there are non-addictive types of people. I'm not sure I trust the non-addictive types. ha, ha. Just kidding

 

Hang in there. Very proud of you! You can do this!

 

Oh, and when I am having my tough moments, I repeat one of my favorite sayings over and over. Lance Armstrong said it and it gets me through a lot... relationships... struggles with food and alcohol... any kind of pain... we all share in the experience to be human and feel lots of pain.

 

“Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever.”

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Good stuffs people.

Yesterday was two weeks, 14 days, well now 15.

Woke up early to attempt to start my morning meditation practice, we will see how this rolls.

I def still have a pain in my heart, especially when I hear the word percocet, wonder how long that will last.

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Keep going buddy!

 

I was addicted to weed, and have tried alot of other stuff in the past.

 

Its all shit compared to being sober, it just takes a while to realise.Like others have said on here, really proud of you man!

 

 

(someone said about doing something if you are getting craving or are bored.That is good advice.Another helpful thing I did was stop seeing any people who were still doing drugs.Hang around with normal sober people, it really helped me.I formed entirely new groups of friends.If you have particularily strong bonds with any of your old friends who still use, when you see them make sure its somewhere out of thier own home, where they cant do drugs.Take them to cinema or whatever, and when they wanna use, just say your goodbyes and leave.)

 

 

omg biggest load of stuff i've ever written in brackets!

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The most dangerous addiction I saw was when I was a student. I was sharing a flat with a girl addicted to sex! Yes, I know lots of you are probably thinking "I know/am someone addicted to sex!" but addiction to sex is really dangerous. Apart from having No friends whatsoever because she tried it on with your dad, or boyfriend etc...she was so desperate for sex that she used to walk through hyde park at 4 in the morning wearing practically nothing. One day she came home with a huge gash in her head. Some guy had hit her with a wheel brace and raped her. We went to the police and I remember in the interview, when the police asked her to describe her attacker, all she did was talk about how good looking he was and how she would have fucked him if he had thought to simply ask. The police were looking at me astounded..obviously! Turned out she had a fractured skull and could have been killed. However, this didn't stop her asking the police that, if they found her attaker, could they please give her his phone number. Obviously, she wanted to fuck him again!

Moral of the story, whatever your addiction, there's always someone WAY worse off than you!

 

wow, crazy story

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Today, mother fucker what can I say about today. How about ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!

I swear as shit gets good and managable its all about hey heres a big ol shot of ishitonyourhead. Oh well I still go forward, I still sober, I just keep thinking everythings kosher, the life, the wife, being ok with the summer nights all pent up, bored and all. and then whammy, every thing that comes outta my mouth seems to instigate a fight, or a simple argument that leaves me dreaming of the drugs I know I could take to where I just wouldnt fuccking care to even open my mouth, but I guess this is that thing I kept hearing about, what was it called......life? Yeah thats it, this is that life thing that I escaped from for so many moons. Why the fuck did I do this again? was I really that much worse off while on dope, cause I gotta say I aint fucking seeing the big deal about it today.

Good thing I got in a

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No..Zinzen's got a point..life is shit and sometimes its too hard to face. It's not that things "get outta whack"..cause you are taking drugs...have you seen the state of the world today?

I really don't see how life as we know it can continue beyond the next 10 years. if its not through water shortage or food shortage (yep, i hold all those fuckin bone chompers directly and personally responsible), it will be through some war concocted by our corrupt governments to keep themselves fat and rich, or if not, maybe some virus they created in their labs to get rid of 80% of us before the shit really hits the fan!

And that's before I even start talking about the other very real problems coming our way as a result of global warming/climate change!

Anyone who denies that we have a real crisis impending is just plain stupid or ignorant or both and sometimes I dont know how people stay sane and pretend like everything is just fine, and that our kids are going to have a good future etc without the help of some really strong drugs.

I really, honestly and truly believe that life in the future is going to get much, much worse that any of us like to imagine and I really honesstly and truly believe that my beautiful daughter won't live to reach my age

I've often said I got stoned to protect the ones i love from what I really feel about the future of the human race, the planet and exactly how ing humans are in general..like my best m8 always said, we are the cancer of mother earth..pure scum! I feel its too late for humans to change..and even if it weren't ..as a species we are just too selfish to make the necessary changes to stop what is definitely coming our way.

Unlike so many others who are able to switch off from the reality of what's happening, hypnotise themselves with soap operas, daytime TV and excessive consumerism, I just can't pretend that it's all going swimmingly however good my personal situation may be at this very moment!

So tell me..should I bring down everyone else around me. who are relatively happy believing the lie that everything is just fine? Or should i just smoke another spliff, grab the guitar and make everyone smile for a while?

Marijuana blurrs the edges of it all, really it has to be said. I don't want to smoke, at the moment, because I want to look the world in the eye for a change..but it's hard and the sadness of reality weighs me down.- I honestly don't know if it's worth the while!

So what do I do? Well like a "normal" `person I go to the doctor for something to stop me feeling so utterly desolate and depressed and he perscribes a drug FAR more addictive and dangerous than the natural plant I was smoking..oh, but that's OK, because its a LEGAL drug and so socially acceptable. Fucking bullshit!

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WOw I totally wasnt even talking about all that horrid shit, more about the fact that I just got in a fight with my wife, then I had a hissy fit like I was a little girl, stormed off and passed out from anger for like ten minutes and then woke up and got some food, none of this was i in control of at all, just watched it happen.

And Coll. B.

I do meditate, as irony has it I used to teach meditation.

I have read Dharma Punx, now into Noahs other book Against the Stream, just saw his documentary, and yeah I stole that shit.

My whole life is a fight for freedom, as for all the horrid shit out there, maybe itll kill us, maybe not, I am in this to free my self from panic and identification with the outcome, for I have no say on who pushes a button and ends us all.

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WOw I totally wasnt even talking about all that horrid shit, more about the fact that I just got in a fight with my wife, then I had a hissy fit like I was a little girl, stormed off and passed out from anger for like ten minutes and then woke up and got some food, none of this was i in control of at all, just watched it happen.

Sorry to break it to you but you were in control of your actions. You always are.

Saying you can't control yourself is a bullshit excuse which makes you a powerless victim. Don't go down that route. You're better than that.

/tough love

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Imagine all the good and bad in the world could be seen by their colour.For arguments sake lets say good is white, bad is black, and in the dead centre, is grey.

 

Lets say you find a pair of glasses (weed) that hide the bad, and while you have those glasses on, you feel relaxed.What you dont realise is that the glasses are hiding other things too.

 

The glasses (weed) hide both the black, and the white.So you live in a world full of grey - which seems ok!

 

The longer you wear those glasses though, the more your eyes are used to looking at the grey, & when you remove the glasses, the white is too bright for them, so you look straight at the black.You do this without being conscious of it.Problem is, you are completely missing all the white in the world, to a degree that you doubt, or are completely unaware, that it is there at all.This is you right now.

 

Because of this, you are tempted to put the glasses back on.

 

The only way you can give your eyes long enough, to be able to look at the blinding white, is if you are not allowed to use the glasses anymore at all.Popping them back on is not an option.The longer you have those glasses off, the more your eyes flick over to the white spectrum, and eventually they begin to like the white side more (because truthfully, it is more attractive) Your eyes spend more and more time on the white until one day you realise that you only glance at the black occasionally.This takes a while, but it will happen.

 

There does seem to be more bad in the world than good, in these times we live in.The future is bleak.But there is amazingly still a lot of good in the world.You have got to concentrate on that, you have got to move towards it, you have got to contribute to it.Seeing the end of the world as likely, may be an accurate prophecy.But if you fixate on it, you are siding with it, even if you dont realise.When you spread this to others, you are making that bad happen.You must look, & seek the good out, you must have hope (not in some gay religious way - but a real hope that you can help make positive changes) You must help others to be hopeful too.This is not easy.I dont say this to you like, "pah, you should be doing this because its that easy"

 

Its not easy, infact its really, really hard.But its something we all need to practice & nurture.

 

I hope this is of some help to you.

 

 

Good on you bro, you are trying a good thing.Just be strong, keep yourself occupied with things that make you happy.Sometimes small things can make a huge difference.When I was young, I used to buy myself a box of mint chocolates that I really liked, and everyday I would eat them in the afternoon at work.Someone who I worked with for some time, came up to me one day while I sat there eating my mints & said to me "You are a content little person, arent you, everyday you sit there and eat those mints with a grin on your face"

 

"Yes" I said, "I am"

 

Those mints cost me £1.50 a day, but their value was priceless.For that 5 minutes, I would concentrate my whole being on the pleasure I got.My point is, find yourself some little things, that make you happy, that you can do everyday, or atleast every week.It can make massive changes.

 

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Well I can say today, much better then yesterday.Its the wifes B day, so we are off to Vegiterranean to get fancy vegan foods.

Seems that I still cant get a full grip on things I do that bother my wife. I just wonder how much I am willing to give up to make her happy. Is it fair to me? Have I not done plenty, is this just not the selfish voice of my mind, I think it may be, I see you mind.

And this is what I get for being sober, the volume up.

Well just as long as dead people dont start talking to me like they do my ma Im cool.( shes a medium, yeah weird and all but it is what it is)

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Ahh another day. I am feeling great when Im great and horrid when I am horrid, def better then the gray fuck my life feeling of the last year. Good stuff.

My real hit today was for some reason I was thinking ack on the 2 months of adderal and oxycontin and my heart started screaming out for more, seems like that will be there for a bit.

Gotta pay attention to now, thoughts destroy the soul.

Like they say in recovery, what I got here is a spiritual problem. Something about that is so neat to me, a bunch of cats getting together to fix something that we have no proof is even there, and it has nothing to do with organized religion, just cool I say.

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Now tonight was hard, HARD on the Tom. Apperantly my doggie ate some mushrooms and started drooling and puking and shooting a diarreha out his lil bum like you wouldnt fathom. So I rushed him to the doggie ER and they fed him activated charcoal and an anti nausea shot along with some barium, and all the while I am thinking if this dog dies I am going to get wasted, I am sick and tired of these thoughts.

But I have had them for over a decade so I cant expect em to stop immediatly. I gotta take him to the vet for a blood makeup to see if and organ damage has happened, lame. I dont think I ever posted a pic of him, I shall try now.

 

http://i20.photobucket.com/albums/b215/zinzen/camandgirlfriend.jpg

http://i20.photobucket.com/albums/b215/zinzen/camsmile.jpg

http://i20.photobucket.com/albums/b215/zinzen/camsuperhero.jpg

And just the wife and I a few days ago, just because I think its a funny pic

http://i20.photobucket.com/albums/b215/zinzen/bestever.jpg

 

I am going to try to sleep

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Hi Tom, I have been reading your thread and just wanted to offer my support.

 

Over the last 2 years I have seen my brother go through much of what you are going through now.

He used drugs to get through every day of his life for about 8-10 years.

Watching him learn how to deal with real life has been really painful for me, I am sure infinitely harder for him.

He struggled a lot the first year but over the last 9 months has had to grow up really fast because he is going to be a father (any day now).

I see so much of what he has been through echoed in your posts.

 

I hope that you have more good days than bad ahead of you.

You obviously have a strong community here and are taking the right steps to get yourself to where you need to be.

 

 

This may be too personal, but as someone who has been married for 7 years... may I ask what you and the wife argue about the most?

Definitely don't feel obligated to answer that if you don't want to : )

 

peace.

 

-megan

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