Need some opinions on a "friendship"

[djshrew]

Okay here is a bit of background, I had been best friends (more like sisters) with this girl. She moved about an hour away with her parents and it seems that after I got serious with my husband, our friendship fell apart. I have tried numerous times to hang out with her alone, with our other halves(even though her other half is not that wonderful and has shown abusive behavior in the past, I have remained supportive of her choice to stay with him) , anything to just hang out. After no progress or seemingly willingness on her part, I have decided that this friendship obviously wasn't what i thought it was, and decided to stop calling or emailing her to get together. To me even though life changes; real friendships like this one don't have to end. Last year tragedy struck when her son died, I did all that I could to be there for her. needless to say last year is the last time I even saw her (even though she only lives an hour away!) I got an email from her last night, in response to an e-mail I sent to her on the anniversary of her sons death, telling me that she is pregnant and asking me how my life is.

It has pissed me off, and I feel like I have done all I could to make this friendship work and I'm not sure she even sees an issue with how things have paned out, I am not sure where to go from here. do I spill my feelings on this to her or should I just let it go? I feel that because this friendship was so close, it would be hard for me to keep it all inside.

 

Have any of you had this type of experience?, any advice would be great.

[Octopussoir]

Be the "bigger" friend and let it go. If she is willing to start over...then you should too. She might not have been happy that your now husband took all of your friend's time away(whether it was on the phone, in person, online, etc.) from her and now that she is pregnant again(after losing her other child) she might have found happiness once again.

 

Forgive and try to make the best of it. Leave the past where it belongs.... in the past.

[veggieprincess]

Since you were already willing to let the friendship go... it seems your only option is to tell her how you feel.

 

Confrontation is always challenging.

 

But I want to ask you... do you feel this friendship is worth salvaging because it sounds like she might be the kind of person where "it's all about her".

 

But I don't know... losing a son is a pretty tragic tragic thing that could have made her want to hide from the world.

 

Friendship is a two way street. But I've known many people where it was always "all about them" and those frienships never lasted because they were too draining.

 

But I say you have nothing to lose by telling her how you feel and see how she reacts. Maybe she has a really good explanation or she'll shed some insight you weren't aware of. But use your instincts to ask yourself if you think there might be something else to it or if she truly is just kinda selfish, in which case maybe it's not even worth trying??

 

Oh... one more thing. I can tell you that growing up with a very very very selfish mom and to this day it is ALWAYS "all about her"... I had to lose several very close friends early in life to see the error of my ways. And if a couple of those friends hadn't come forth and told me how selfish I was, I would've never recognized or changed the behavior because that was how I grew up, so to me selfish behavior was all I knew. So you could be doing her a big favor in life by being honest wtih her. She'll either recognize it and try to change. Or get defensive, angry and never change. But you can't go wrong with honesty

 

Good luck.

[CollegeB]

It would be okay to tell her how you have been feeling, but I'd avoid language that puts blame on her in the sense of "you made me feel" statements. Instead go for something along the lines of "I haven't heard from you in a long time and I've been really concerned about whats been happening." That you are trying to rationalize saving or not saving a friendship is probably good evidence that you are wanting to save it. People you know are pretty easy to just let go of if you don't communicate with them. I had a friend that I grew up with in elementary school. We went to different middle schools and had different friends. I didn't run into him again until I was home for christmas just five years ago. I dropped by his old house and his dad gave me my old friend's cell phone number. I called him up and it seemed as if there had been no lost connection. See how it goes with your friend, if you communicate well then that is a good sign. I also think that since she wants to know about you it is a good sign. Let us know how it goes. It is hard to to lose good friends on bad terms.

[Marcina]

Yeah, I'd say patch it up. You've been friends for so long.. And she probably hid herself away from the world after her son's death. Usually people shut themselves out from the world when they're depressed like that.

[djshrew]

Thanks for all of the advice. I have had this on my mind for at least the past 2 years, the friendship just seemed to go it's separate ways. I didn't want to accept it at first, but after little response on her end I began to figure that should. It's when she comes out of the blue like this that makes me wonder what her deal is.

It's true we were really close for a long time (she's actually the only person besides my family that knew me when I ate meat) I think its not wanting to let go of the friendship we shared and the many memories we had. I understand even without the friendship those memories are there, but without the friendship they just seem painful.

Anyhow, I compromised in my e-mail, I let it go and didn't. I told her how've I've been and said we should get together for shopping or lunch or something just to catch up. But I also told her I was surprised to hear from her since it's been so long and that it's hurt me to see this friendship turn into what it has. no response yet and I won't hold my breath. Guess I at least got it somewhat of my chest without being rude or blaming (I hope)