Gym rants

[SeaSiren]

Funny Article on Gym Etiquette

 

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http://www.bodybuilding.com/fun/images/2008/poor_gym_etiquette.jpg

 

 

 

If you are easily offended, please DO NOT read this. The author (TC) generally writes like this.

 

By now, you gotta' be asking yourself why I work out at this foo-foo gym. It's simple, really. It's really close to my house and they've got two power racks that don't get used much. I also like a few of the trainers, who, because of client demands, are largely unwilling accomplices to all this aforementioned core training.

 

As you might guess, most of the gym members are largely ignorant of the customs of the gym world. Any group of humans that congregate for a shared purpose or activity develops a type of social etiquette. Unfortunately, in a gym like this, where many of the members are transient, this etiquette never gels. Newbies don't learn the customs and this lack of gym etiquette perpetuates itself as newbies beget more newbie's.

 

It's with this in mind that I offer my crash course in foo-foo gym etiquette, which should serve as a companion piece to my first article on the subject where I wrote about many of the usual etiquette breaches like using a cell phone in-between sets and curling in the squat rack.

 

While this second batch of breaches might be less commonly seen or experienced, you should do your best to keep it that way by printing this out and slapping it on the locker room wall.

 

Don't Hair-Dry Your Balls.

 

Why can't I walk into the locker room of my gym without being greeted by the sight of some old bastard, one foot on top of the counter, crotch spread wide like a model in a Hustler photo shoot, using a portable hair dryer on his balls? It's ghastly. Not only that, it makes the room smell like the cheddar-cheese covered popcorn my Nana used to make on her old potbelly stove and it makes me feel nostalgic and sad.

 

Use a towel on your nads, or maybe do a little manscaping, for Chrissake. Less hair would allow you to dry faster, possibly saving others from having that terrible vision loaded forever onto their mental hard drive.

 

Besides, on most of you old guys, your unkempt equipment looks like gray and dying willow trees...except for that albino geezer; yours looks like you've got a tiny naked Ann Coulter for a penis.

 

Don't Use the Power Rack for Your Stretchie Cord.

 

For the love of God, don't tie your $4.99 K-Mart Sporting Goods' Department stretchie cord with built-in handle to the power rack so you can "work" your rotator cuff, thereby monopolizing the darn-near-only serious piece of equipment in the entire gym.

 

That's like using your company's only super computer to play Lee Trevino's "Fighting Golf" game when the guy who wants to do climate change analyses has to wait.

 

It just...ain't...right.

 

Don't Wear Cut-Off Sleeves.

 

You don't have a single piece of clothing that has sleeves. Sure your arms are decent; they're your one good body part, but you're like those semi-anorexic chicks who get huge implants and won't wear anything short of an iron lung that isn't so tight a blind man can simply trace his fingers across the front of your shirt and read the Braille message formed by the Montgomery tubercles on your areolas which, predictably enough, read, "My daddy abused me so I have an eating disorder which led to a distorted body image and compelled me to buy obscenely large implants."

 

In other words, it reeks of insecurity.

 

But I guess that's not really a matter of etiquette, is it? More of a pet peeve, I suppose. What is a matter of etiquette, though, is middle-aged and old bastards who have no arm development at all and wear cut-off sleeves or white, ribbed, yellow stained, moldy tank tops that you usually see old Italian guys wearing on hot summer Sunday afternoons as they sit on their stoops and reminisce about the Brooklyn Dodgers.

 

These guys are usually sporting so much hair on their biceps, triceps, and semi-exposed back that it serves as a matted repository for sweat and every time they get off a bench, it leaves a moist, acidic, acrid, drippy residue and, frankly, given a choice, I think I'd rather sit on hot tar.

 

Plus it's such a God-awful look. I could watch an autopsy and still not lose my appetite, but the sight of you guys in your Dr. Zaius costumes makes me want to give up eating forever.

 

Wear T-shirts. Preferably cotton.

 

Don't Give Us Guys Dirty Looks. (OK this one was so crude that I was reluctant to post, you will have to read it in the article)

 

Don't Ask Me for a Spot if You're Going to Lift Like a Moron.

 

Where did you mutts get the idea that you shouldn't do full-range bench presses, military presses, or squats? Which ACE certified I-spent-a-weekend-studying personal trainer told you that doing full-range motions leads to injury and that you should instead do 1/2 reps for eternity?

 

 

Likewise, who told you that putting your feet on the bench while benching is a good idea?

 

 

Never mind. It's not my job to yank you out of your world with its candy-colored sky where it rains doughnuts and boobs.

 

However, don't ask me to spot you if you're going to lift like an ejit. Hell, I'm editor-in-chief of a large, respected weight lifting web site. As such, I've got a reputation to protect. I can't risk someone I know or respect walking into the gym only to see me spotting your inane reps; they might think we're training partners, and within days my shame would spread and before you knew it, readers would leave the site by the thousands and we'd have to close up shop and I'd end up at my old job, which was emptying the spit bucket at cockfights.

 

Don't Assume Placing a Towel on a Bench Retains Your Rights to the Bench For All Time.

 

Okay, so you learned to lift from watching kinetoscopes of Jack Lalanne or something. It's only natural that you think circuit training is the cat's pajamas. The thing is, it's rush hour at the gym and there are only two flat benches in the whole damn place.

 

You can't simply put your towel on the thing and assume it's yours in perpetuity, or at least until you make your next rotation of 10 exercises before coming back to the bench. Look at it this way, would homesteaders in the Wild West been safe from claim jumpers simply because they put a towel on their piece of land?

 

I don't think so. Some cattle or railroad baron would have hired killer pistoleros to ride onto your land when you were in town buying penny candy and a smokin' hot corset for your woman. They'd tried to steal your towel, or at least defile it by taking a dump on your land and then using it to wipe their butt.

 

Come to think of it, that might be an appropriate response when you try to claim a bench for an inappropriate amount of time by laying your towel on it.

 

Ditch That Smug Bosu-Ball Face.

 

So your ACE-certified trainer taught you to do a Mr. Miagi/Karate Kid one leg in the air, one leg balanced atop the giant breast implant known as a Bosu Ball, two arms curling tiny, tiny weights, exercise.

 

Well, aren't you spay-shul?

 

Never mind that the gym floor is peppered with these things, so much so that it looks like a microscopic view of some kid's acne riddled face with the Bosu balls being the pimples and us being the bacteria, and that they form a kind of obstacle course between me and my destination.

 

No, what bugs me most is the superior attitude of the guys using these things. You think your methods are like, more advanced, to those of us who lift on terra firma, right? Well, you don't know nothin', only you're the gap-toothed hillbilly and I'm the city slicker in bitchin' skin-tight neoprene black vest looking for a couple of mopes to drive my pickups to Aintry while I take those canoes down the river.

 

I don't mind your delusion?too much?and if you want to live in that same candy-colored-sky world as Mr. Half Repper or Mr. Feet-on-the-Bench, where it rains doughnuts and boobs, that's quite all right.

 

But knock off the superior look, okay? The truth is, you're wasting your time. Because of the inherent stability of the thing, you can't use any appreciable amount of weight, so your biceps never develop, and if you think you're building your core by doing that silly maneuver, save us all a lot of aggravation and do the one-legged stuff when you're standing in line at the pawn shop after rummaging through your keepsake box and hopefully finding, shuffled among all the Jonas Brothers' concert ticket stubs, the claim ticket for your balls.

 

Don't Do Dumbbell Curls 3 Inches From the Rack.

 

Let's say we're in the buffet line at Gasteau's Deep-Fried House of Gastroenteritis. You stop and ladle out a generous scoop of creamed corn, but instead of going back to your chair to eat it with your pimply date, you eat it right there, thereby blocking me from the creamed corn. What the hell? You telling me I gotta' wait for you to finish eating your creamed corn before I can have some?

 

What kind of cruel, perverse, ****-your-neighbor, Thunderdome world did you grow up in?

 

 

That scenario is no different from when you grab a pair of dumbbells off the rack and instead of going back to your "chair" or at the very least, backing up six feet, you start to do your spastic curls right there, thereby blocking me and about a dozen other frustrated lifters from grabbing the weights immediately above, below, or next to the weights you just picked up.

 

If I owned a gym, I'd hire an ex-communicated priest to walk around the dumbbell rack with a 6-foot long broomstick. If a lifter didn't step back at least the distance of the broomstick after he grabbed a pair of dumbbells, the priest would enthusiastically shove the stick up the offender's ass.

 

I've by no means covered all breaches of gym etiquette, but this is probably a good start. Hopefully, because of etiquette crusaders like myself, gyms will one day be a place where we can all work out without wanting to harpoon our fellow members with the Olympic bar, which might in itself be construed as a breach of etiquette.

 

 

Link: http://masculineheart.blogspot.com/2...hnuts-and.html

[Guest]

6. Lastly this drives me crazy to no end. Sunglasses. Why the hell do you wear your sunglasses (mostly those huge designer ones) indoors and not only indoors but while your working out. Are the dull fluorescent lights too strong for you delicate eyes? Sunglasses were made to block out the sun and being indoors there is no sun. Take em off.

 

Haha, this is simply awesome! I'd love to see it - would def make my day!

[sydneyvegan]

UPDATE!

 

My Nemesis has started doing legs

 

I have a nemesis in every gym I go to, for the exact reasons that people have outlined above.

In my current gym it is a self absorbed little **** that parades around everywhere "Helping People" and doing hundreds of reps of useless isolations.

He is about 5'4 and has quite a muscular upper body, but his legs are like toothpicks, he always wears jeans and a lifting belt, no matter what he is lifting.

 

Yes that's right the self absorbed little **** with toothpick legs has started doing legs, AND he is wearing shorts - long shorts that come past his knee - me thinks squats aren't going to feature heavily in his routine as they were tight...

See, rants can have positive consequences, lol

[xphilx]

First off.. GLOVES!!! Why the hell would you need gloves to lift A PADDED dumbbell ? Why would you even consider using gloves when doing a machine routine where everything is fucking covered in padding, pillows, mattresses, cotton candy and unicorns! Toughen up, geez!

 

i have to use gloves cause otherwise my sweaty hands would just slip off the bar every time. that almost happened when i forgot my gloves and did bench press, not really funny.

 

Secondly.. weightlifting belts are for people lifting heavy, not for you to use while doing incline bench press in a smith machine, or when you're doing ridiculously light DB flys.. Yes, a belt might make you look cool, but doing useless exercises in it or prancing around the gym in it makes no sense.. Take off the god damn belt and leave it for the big boys!

 

i've heard really big and strong guys defending the belt usage while doing bench press, curls, whatever and if they want to do so then they should feel free to do it. i don't see much sense in it so i don't.

[DCNINJA]

I haven't seen any of TC's writing in a while. He is damn funny. I have wondered what the world be like if there was a required test you had to take before entering a gym. I don't care if people are not strong. I just hate it when they are idiots. If we cannot get a test, how about ten commandmants. Where is Charlton Heston when we need him most.

1. Thou shalt not get between a lifter and a mirror. Especially if they are getting ready for competition.

2. Thou shalt not talk to me when I am wearing headphones. If you talk to someone who is dieting, then you are taking your life into your own hands.

3. Thou shalt not hang out talking on equipment.

4. Thou shalt not talk on a cell phone.

5. Thou shalt not do a half deadlift while spotting on bench all the while yelling, "It's all you man!" Bull, if it was all the lifter you could shout at home.

6. Thou shalt not use the power rack for curls unless you are curling 225 or heavier.

7. Thou shalt jump on a piece of equipment when someone else is actively using it.

8. Thou shalt not hog a piece of equipment when others want to actively use it.

9. Thou shalt not tell me how to eat or train unless I am paying you. Exception if you work here, and I am a newbie doing stupid stuff like putting my feet on the bench, then go ahead. This one should just be grounds for kicking someone's ass. It is always the biggest idiot in the gym with 10 inch arms and 38 inch waist that wants to tell me how much protein I need and how his workout philosophy is the best. I make it a point to workout in a gym with mostly hard core athletes so I can avoid this guy in particular.

10. Thou shalt not bring KFC, Arby's, McDonald's and other bullshit food into my domain when I am training? If you want to eat Mcgarbage, then do it someplace else. Really, all the places in the world you can eat ing smelling grease, and you can only find the gym. Gyms are for burning calories not consuming them.

[VeganEssentials]

i've heard really big and strong guys defending the belt usage while doing bench press, curls, whatever and if they want to do so then they should feel free to do it. i don't see much sense in it so i don't.

 

They can defend the belt usage, but can't justify it

 

I figure, if the best benchers in the world don't use belts, and those who compete in sanctioned strict curl events don't (some of whom are curling fairly close to bodyweight with ideal form), then that's reason enough. When I see pictures of someone locking out 800+ lbs. in the bench without a belt then see someone in my gym putting one on for sets with less than bodyweight, it still makes me wonder why they'd think it's beneficial.

 

But, to each their own. I gave myself a minor back injury doing BB curls once (not sure if a belt would have prevented it), but that's because I was being stupid and using tons of body English to move the weight on my last reps. The things we do our first year in the gym!

[zinzen]

Where is Charlton Heston when we need him most.

quote]

Thankfully he is dead

[VeganEssentials]

Thankfully he is dead

 

The real question is, did they ever pry the gun from his cold, dead fingers?

[Vegan Joe]

 

Don't Hair-Dry Your Balls.

 

[Vegan Joe]

dude who is not paying attention and jumps in on me when I am super or giant setting.

I think this is funny how they spot you doing super sets from the other side of the room, and you turn around and their they are sitting at your machine.

Also I quess I probably piss people of because I will refuse to have other people work in on the same machine with me if they ask. Some idiots are pissed and taken aback. I explain to them. "I'm on the machine, so you'll have to wait until I'm done. I further try to explain that this is my right and my choice, and that I'm not an asshole for being this way but they rarely understand. Makes me chuckle under my breath, and shake my head.

PS I never ask to work in on anyone machine or weights.

[xCx]

i have to use gloves cause otherwise my sweaty hands would just slip off the bar every time. that almost happened when i forgot my gloves and did bench press, not really funny.

 

I can see how you don't wanna get crushed under the bar, but how did you lose your grip on the bench? Anyways! Have you thought about using chalk?

[xphilx]

my hands were so sweaty that my grip got wider and wider while pushing the bar. thought about using chalk and maybe order some when the gloves are fucked up, it's cheaper anyway.

[DCNINJA]

I remember one time when I totally pissed someone off in the gym. I was training legs doing heavy leg presses. This gym had two leg presses in it at the time. My partner was a woman who was not particularly strong. She was doing 2 or 3 plates per side on a sled. I was doing something like 12 or 14 plates per side. Another woman came over and told us we needed to give up one of the leg sleds for her. She was kind of bitchy so I offered to let her work in with me. (Okay so I just wanted to watch her unload 28 plates and put on two dimes, sue me). She went over and complained to the desk guy whom I knew pretty well. I pointed out that my partner was a member, and I was a member. I also offered to let the angry woman work in with me. The desk guy agreed with me, and we finished our last two or so sets. I sought out the woman to tell her we were done with the sleds, but she was already gone. I guess she really wanted to use that equipment.

[aluck]

I <3 people like that, they make my day.

[veganjkd]

I only get the to the gym on rare occasions (i home train ) But one thing i HATE in the local gym is dudes coming over offering advice that is not asked for and especially when i have seen the lousy form they themselves use!

 

Such as "you wanna go heavier and lift .... instead".

 

This is when i am lifting heavy for my size/strength and i am using good form and lifting/lowering slowly so to get the most bang for my buck,and i see those guys swinging weights up that if they used good form would not be able to lift!

 

Guys that socialize,they hang out for an hour,do three crummy sets and then just hang out chillin and chatting while i am waiting to use the bench/machine/whatever.

[DavidR]

It doesn't bother me much, seeing people do silly or useless things, unless it's dangerous.

 

What does really irk me, is when people stand and exercise immediately in front of the dumbell rack, making it impossible to put back the dumbells I am carrying, or to get new ones.

[Pegesus]

Doing crunches or leg lifts while using the bench. Thats what the floor/mats are for. I've got two adjustable incline bench in my gym and sure enough the damn personal trainer with these two women are using both adjustable benches to do leg lifts and crunches when there is roughly 70 sq. ft. of empty floor space around them. This went on for over 15 mins. I almost lost it.

[Wolverine]

Ok, so I know this thread is a little old but I thought I would chime in.

 

Things that piss me off at my gym are mostly guys dropping weights...seriously, you can't put them back down?! It is just really distracting and disrespectful.

 

And, every gym has the two bros that spend most of their workout talking and then load up the bench really heavy and spot each other but they can only do 1 rep at a time...these same bros LOVE to grunt. Don't get me wrong, they call me wolverine for a reason, I am a little wild and I grunt too...but, usually while trying to get the final reps out...you know, pusing myself to the limit. These fools grunt EVERY rep...I am talking even warm-up sets!! And, you can hear them across the gym in the cardio area...wtf?!

[Veganjkdgirl]

We have a group of 16 to 18 yr olds lads who spend all night at the gym mostly standing around talking and comparing abs and pecs......I shit you not they hog the mirrors, standing right in front of the dumbbell racks, holding up their t shirts and poking each other!!!!! WTF????

 

We also have a girl who comes in to stretch.....she sits on the mats with her legs stretched out as far as she can go and reads a book for an hour....then wonders why she can't do the splits yet!!!!

[Tasha]

#1 - no curling in the squat rack

#6 -NO CURLING IN THE SQUAT RACK!

Meh, if the gym isn't busy I don't have a problem with people doing barbell curls in the squat rack. At least at my gym, there are no extra barbells or space to use them. Each barbell lives on a rack or bench.

 

 

No Way ! Squat rack is to squat. I agree with Denise big time. !

 

My other gym I go to quiet but senseless people going places where they shouldn't be. I was trying to train legs, but had to do another workout because someone was using the mirror in the squat rack. It's annoying to have to wait for that.

People chatting next to you, and friend in the way of your bench. really frustrating to consintrate. I'll only go to that gym if I do't have time to go to the one I really like.

 

oh the rants haha I like this thread

[seitan_man]

I just hate gyms full stop and refuse to go into them. Full of arrogant, body fascist primadonnas and generally people with low IQs. Not to mention extremely unsympathetic towards vegans.

 

Sorry!

[Addai]

I just hate gyms full stop and refuse to go into them. Full of arrogant, body fascist primadonnas and generally people with low IQs. Not to mention extremely unsympathetic towards vegans.

 

Sorry!

 

That's a very unfair stereotype. Everyone in this thread goes to the gym and we're all nice friendly vegan people.

 

 

Anywho I'm still fairly new to the gym scene and the things I've seen...last year I started making a list just for comedies sake, unfortunately I've forgotten them. I most enjoy the funny things people do. One of my favorite things was this kid who was my size (skinny little twirp) and he had these massive dumbbells, probably twice the weight he could handle if not three times, and he was doing presses with them. He'd go down maybe 2 inches and then back up, and each time he'd SCREAM. I was laughing hysterically.

 

A couple of these guys, bigger than myself, were "working out" by me while I was in the gym today...they had dumbbells and they were just sort of...hopping around like fairies the entire time (not a homophobic comment, I think they were straight, but seriously they were doing...fairy moves--peter pan style). I couldn't even put a name on the things they were doing. And they were random. And then they'd stop and be like time for walls sits! Now pullups! Now more random fairy hopping! I had to hide my laughter. The only thing I recognized was when they did squat-like things with these tiny dumbbells, and I was sitting next to these guys pressing 2-3 times more than they were "squatting" and I was easily half their size. It was odd.

 

 

 

 

Someone mentioned naked women on the first page...I'm not sure where you go that you have naked women parading around in the gym, but that's fantastic. Seriously though women are about the only thing that distract me, like this girl who seemed to have been following me around, and I was lifting a whole lot of weight above my head, and she starts doing lower back extensions next to me so her ass is basically right in my face, wearing super short shorts. I had to stop for fear of killing myself. Same thing when a girl starts doing something like that right in front of me while I'm squatting. I'm still not really complaining though.

[HCPinGviini]

I hate it how when doing back extensions, guy's are staring at my ass (and on the other side my tits) and I hate all that "You should try a smaller weight" in situations, where I honestly know very well, what I'm doing - and get to prove those guys wrong.

 

I also hate it how guys try to get me to sleep with them just by offering to teach some new compound excercises and after a while ask if I'm into it.

[Vegan Joe]

I hate it how when doing back extensions, guy's are staring at my ass (and on the other side my tits) and I hate all that "You should try a smaller weight" in situations, where I honestly know very well, what I'm doing - and get to prove those guys wrong.

 

I also hate it how guys try to get me to sleep with them just by offering to teach some new compound excercises and after a while ask if I'm into it.

Just to balance things out. Just remember when your old and wrinkly, you're gonna miss those stares. So try to enjoy being oogled at while you have the chance, life is too short, and gravity is gonna catch up with your...

[HCPinGviini]

Just to balance things out. Just remember when your old and wrinkly, you're gonna miss those stares. So try to enjoy being oogled at while you have the chance, life is too short, and gravity is gonna catch up with your...

I'm not gonna miss it. There's no way of justifying such a way of acting towards someone, who's there to train, not as their free sexual object. I don't tolerate being an object for a bunch of jerks, who just can't mind their own bussiness and keep their eyes on the weights or whatever they're doing.

 

Women shouldn't need to feel themselves "proud" of serving men by being their free object of desire. Especially the latter I found the most disturbing and it took me _months_ to be able to go to that same gym. Gym that I loved so much. And not just being an object of desire, I was even photographed without my own permission or without even noticing this. And followed.

 

I'm sure I'm not gonna miss, when the gravity starts kicking in.

 

 

Nothing personal Joe, but I just get pissed at those type of comments as those kind of thinking patterns aren't really safe for anyone. In my teen years I let myself being badly abused for thinking like you adviced me to think.