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A few selections of food-related comedy from Bill Maher in his "The New New Rules: A Funny Look at How Everybody But Me Has Their Head Up Their Ass."

 

"New Rule: Just because the Scottish eat it, that doesn't make it food. The Obama administration has lifted the ban on imported haggis, a Scottish dish made from sheep's heart, liver, and lungs, and simmered in the sheep's stomach. Mmmm. But we already have that here. It's called a hot dog. Plus, their version looks disgusting, while ours is neatly pressed into the shape of a dog's hard-on. What I'm trying to say is: Buy American."

 

"New Rule: Don't pretend Twinkies are healthy now, just because you can get the 100-calorie size. Here's the miracle: It's smaller. Here's how to make your own at home: Cut an old Twinkie in half. Here's how to make it healthy: Throw both halves in the toilet and eat a carrot."

 

"New Rule: Halloween must replace July Fouth as our National Holiday. Forget fireworks. Any day that combines spoiling children, corrosive food, and superstition says everything about this country anyone needs to know."

 

New Rule: Since we're running out of bees and being overrun with bedbugs, scientists must breed a bedbug that shits honey. It can't be worse than Splenda. Oh, right, like that's so much grosser than where we get silk and eggs. Ask for it by name: Bedbug Ass Honey: For When You're Itching For Something Sweet.™"

 

Baby Herc

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More health-related insights from Bill Maher....

 

Chrome Limbs

 

New Rule: Stop with Michelle Obama's arms. Women are clamoring for the issue of Women's Health magazine in which Michelle's trainer tells how you can get her guns in just nine minutes a day. But I don't buy that, because First Lady Laura Bush's arms never got that cut, and she spent eight years holding onto a dumbbell.

 

Failure to Lunch

 

New Rule: If you work in an office, you have to take a turn cleaning the office microwave. I opened ours the other day and a bat flew out. The inside looks like a Jackson Pollock painting. The three settings are now "cook," "defrost," and "hepatitis." If you're not going to clean the damn thing, at least take out whatever is growing in there so we can harvest the stem cells.

 

Wedge Issue

 

New Rule: If you get to serve me a quarter-head of lettuce with dressing on it, which proves you could have made a salad but chose not to, then I get to pay you with an ATM receipt, which proves that I have the money but you're not getting any.

 

Doggie Style

 

New Rule: If your dog has to dress up like a human on Halloween, then you have to sleep on the floor naked and drink out of the toilet. Or, as Andy Dick calls it, "Saturday."

 

Bag Man

 

New Rule: Science must get off its ass and invent a way for men to carry things without looking like morons.Why is that I still have to choose between being the hippie with the backpack, the tool with the briefcase, or the doofus with the fanny pack? Besides, we already have a ridiculous-looking bag in which we carry our most prized possessions. It's called a scrotum.

 

Project Safeway

 

New Rule: The outside world is not your house. Is it me, or will people wear just about anything to the supermarket? You hear the announcement over the PA: "Cleanup in aisle seven"? They're talking to you! It's heartwarming that you held on to those comfy gym shorts from high school, but I can see your balls. which reminds me, I'm out of kiwis.

 

Germ Limits

 

New Rule: Don't put that in your mouth. A new study finds that dangerous drug-resistant staph infections in children have increased tenfold over the past decade. And for you little ones out there, the infection eats you alive, and then you never see Mommy and Daddy again. And you get it from being on a plane and kicking the back of my seat.

 

Size Matters

 

New Rule: Food companies must face the facts: One container equals one serving. Look, we're Americans, and that means once we open the bag, there's no stopping us until we're licking stray bits of powdered cheese off the carpet. So stop trying to give us nutritional information based on a fraction of the package. It assumes a talent for two things that we're really not capable of: restraint and math.

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