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writing assignment: what drives me nuts


K-oz
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Hi guys,

 

I haven't been on this board since forever, also due to the piles of piles I have to read and things to do for university. But a good thing about that is, that I have english classes again and I am in a so called "Integrated Language Skills" class. We talk, write, read, we even will be watching a movie soon I guess.

 

And our first writing assignment was to write an essay about our major pet peeve.

Well, it is clear what this might be in my case!!

The bad thing is that I was limited to 500-600 words. But I came up with something I don't think is that bad and I am really interested in what you think about this text:

 

"Compassion cannot be taught

 

A beer drinking, smoking person eating a hamburger shows things that I loathe. But besides of the senselessness to consume legal drugs - what bothers me most of all is the dead animal laying maybe in it’s own milk, combined with another animal’s eggs between two pieces of bright white bread.

 

Many do agree that this is a totally unhealthy meal. Anyhow, isn’t it ones own business either to eat healthy or not? Of course it is! But what if the daily meal causes much more than ones own stroke or heart attack? What if this means hunger to 3rd world countries and unforgivable damage to nature? Maybe these examples are too indirect to have thought of, so what does it directly relate to?

 

A piece of meat means torture, fear, sickness, hell and at the end death to a sensitive creature, which did not have the privilege to be born as a “homo sapiens”.

Every owner of a so called “pet” can assure that animals are not machines without feelings whatsoever. They also do have an interest in a save life, which includes not being hurt or killed. Every single one opposes, as hard as it can, any hurtful treatment that it is exposed to, but there is no way out of the machinery of human made torture.

Geese are force fed until their legs cannot hold their wheight any more, the testicles of piglets are cut off without anaesthetics, calfes are taken away from their overloaded mothers right after birth and too many little bulls never see the light of the sun.. Instead they are locked in so tight that they can not even move, for the greater good of tender flesh. Being slaughtered while fully conscious is a daily reality for 40% of the slaughtered cows, bulls and calfes.

These are only a few of the many unbelievable facts of what is related to animal products.

 

Although it is obvious that animals feel joy as well as pain man does not grant them the simple right to live and be unhurt.

People must think that dying is a fun thing to do. Nobody seems to have feelings left. Why does everyone assume that it is normal to drink the milk of another mammal? Why does everybody think that it is justified to separate a mother from its child to get her milk and why should it be less painful for animals than for humans? Why does everybody think that it is normal and even healthy to eat carcasses? Why is the knowledge of the death of millions so irrelevant? I am confronted with ignorance and I am shocked about the cold heartedness that I am seeing every day. Where has compassion gone?

 

“Oh yes, the circumstances for animals are very bad. Poor things.”, are common phrases, right next to: “But I just really like the taste of it so much.”. People know and decide to ignore it. “We’ve always eaten meat and dairy products.”, is another common “argument”.

 

I do understand that it can be difficult to change what someone is used to since birth. But the fact that taste as well as tradition is valued more than the life of a living being is worth thinking about. I fail to understand how one can know about the cruelty and still enjoy his hamburger. Not eating animal products is a gain instead of a loos. To feel that way it needs compassion."

 

It will be graded until next week, we will see what my teacher thinks about it.

 

Love and lots of thanks to all the vegans our there!!!

You give hope to me!!

~ K-oz

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If your 'help' includes grammar and vocab correction (which I wouldn't do BEFORE you handed it in, since I wouldn't want my students getting help with their homework!) here are my corrections, like this: (correction). FYI: I'm a language teacher, and a tough editor!

 

But besides of the senselessness to consume (besides the senselessnes of consuming) ... the dead animal laying (lying---it's like the diffference between those two German verbs, which I learned and forgot a while ago. I 'lie" down, but I 'lay" something else down) maybe in it’s (its --it's, with the apostrophe, is a contraction for either "it is" or "it has", by the way, these last two are errors that many, MANY native speakers of English make, so you're in good company!)

 

Anyhow ("in any case"--if this is a formal paper, if it is informal, then 'anyhow' still seems a bit off, "anyway" would be better, informally). ...too indirect to have thought of (too indirect to be thought of/ too indirect for one to think of), so what does it (what is the 'it' referiing to?)...

 

A piece of meat means torture, fear, sickness, hell (hell?) and at the end (in the end,) ...Every owner of a so(-)called “pet” can assure (you) that ... a save (safe---"save"is the verb, "safe" the adjective) life... human (-)made torture. (a compound adective that precedes a noun is hyphenated).

 

..cannot hold their wheight (weight) any more, the testicles of piglets are cut off without anaesthetics, calfes (calves. One calf, two or more calves)...for the greater good of (one could say "for the greater good of humans, who desire their tender flesh," but even there, it's not really 'the greater good'. Needs rewording, but I'm drawing a blank at the moment). ..Being slaughtered while fully conscious is a daily reality (sounds kind of like the same animals are slaughtered every day) for 40% of the slaughtered (redundant... you could say '40% of the cows, etc. who are killed every day' )... These are only a few of the many unbelievable facts (of what is==omit this) related to animal products.

 

Although it is obvious that animals feel joy as well as pain(,) man... everybody think that it is justified to separate a mother from its child to get her milk and why should it ("this separation," otherwise "it" can refer to "mother separated from its child in order to get her milk"!) ...

 

...right next to (awkward; "along with") “But I just really like the taste of it so much.”. People know and decide to ignore it (what is "it"? "people know about X, and decide to ignore it") always eaten meat and dairy products9") is another common “argument(." whacky as it looks, periods and commas are placed inside the quotation marks---at least in American English, so maybe you are right here. I know the French and Spanish do the punctuation outside, which makes more sense to me. Perhaps British English does as well? )

 

I do understand that it can be difficult to change what someone is used to since birth. But the fact that taste as well as tradition is valued more than the life of a living being is worth thinking about. I fail to understand how one can know about the cruelty and still enjoy his ("a" ---to remove gender? Also, previously, you could use "humans" or "human beings" instead of "man...gain instead of a loos (loss). To feel that way it needs compassion.(what is "it"?) [/i]"

'

 

I'd be interested to see if your teacher agrees with my comments!

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If your 'help' includes grammar and vocab correction (which I wouldn't do BEFORE you handed it in, since I wouldn't want my students getting help with their homework!) here are my corrections, like this: (correction). FYI: I'm a language teacher, and a tough editor!

 

I'd be interested to see if your teacher agrees with my comments!

 

Well, who says that she isn't just as tough as you? So thank you very much for your help. I actually thought (except of my spelling!) my english was ok, but as it seems there is a lot potential.

 

In believe there is only room for one language in my head. When I started learning some spanish I could neither talk good english nor german. After my visit to the USA I was not able to talk german and now that I am more into german phrases and "high class"-ways of saying things in university I have to put up with, it seems as if the other languages fall out of my head again

 

But thanks again for the correction. Many section are ones that I didn't know how to write correctly and since I don't have any nativespeakers nearby I only get germanized english corrections. So it is not so surprising to me. But to see it written here I realize that there are tons of possibilities to make mistakes. I am reeeeally interested in what she wrote on my paper and what grade I will get.

 

What would you say?

And where do you teach? Do you also teacher other languages?

 

~ K-oz

Edited by K-oz
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K-Oz, don't fret, your paper is better written than a lot of things I've seen from American univerisity students!

 

Thanks that is nice of you!! The correction is a good motivation to improve my english. I am slow in improving anyway

So that's ok. But it's good to know that don't have to be ashamed

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And where do you teach? Do you also teacher other languages?

I teach French at a small liberal arts university in Illinois.

I also used to teach Spanish for a few years, but not lately. English is my native language, and I've done a lot of writing in English as well.

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Hey I think its very impressive, some of the words and use of grammar are pretty complicated, and its especially impressive dealing with many different languages. Here's how I'd change what you've written (I follow your paragraphs with my own in bold). I hope it might help you, I think your original text does make sense and gets the point across well, there's just some small things that I'd note. I probably have my own mistakes in there... but ah, anyway heh.

 

 

 

A beer drinking, smoking person eating a hamburger shows things that I loathe. But besides of the senselessness to consume legal drugs - what bothers me most of all is the dead animal laying maybe in it’s own milk, combined with another animal’s eggs between two pieces of bright white bread.

 

Someone who drinks beer and smokes and eats hamburgers represents the things that I loathe. But besides the senselessness of consuming legal* drugs, what bothers me most of all is the dead animal, possibly in its own milk, combined with another animal's eggs, between two pieces of bright white bread.

 

*not sure if you mean legal or illegal. Illegal is against the law.

 

Many do agree that this is a totally unhealthy meal. Anyhow, isn’t it ones own business either to eat healthy or not? Of course it is! But what if the daily meal causes much more than ones own stroke or heart attack? What if this means hunger to 3rd world countries and unforgivable damage to nature? Maybe these examples are too indirect to have thought of, so what does it directly relate to?

 

Many people agree that this is a totally unhealthy meal. However, isn't it one's own business to eat healthily or to choose not to? Of course it is! But what if the daily meal causes much more than one's own stroke or heart attack? What if this means hunger to 3rd world countries and unforgivable damage to nature? Maybe these examples are too indirect to think about, so what does this meal directly cause?

 

A piece of meat means torture, fear, sickness, hell and at the end death to a sensitive creature, which did not have the privilege to be born as a “homo sapiens”.

Every owner of a so called “pet” can assure that animals are not machines without feelings whatsoever. They also do have an interest in a save life, which includes not being hurt or killed. Every single one opposes, as hard as it can, any hurtful treatment that it is exposed to, but there is no way out of the machinery of human made torture.

 

A piece of meat means torture, fear, sickness, hell and at the end, death to a sensitive creature, which did not have the priviledge of being born as a homo sapiens. Every owner of a so called "pet" can tell you that animals are not machines without any feelings. They also have an interest in a comfortable life, which includes not being hurt or killed. Every single animal opposes any hurtful treatment that it is exposed to, as hard as it can, but there is no way out of the machinery of human-made torture.

 

Geese are force fed until their legs cannot hold their wheight any more, the testicles of piglets are cut off without anaesthetics, calfes are taken away from their overloaded mothers right after birth and too many little bulls never see the light of the sun.. Instead they are locked in so tight that they can not even move, for the greater good of tender flesh. Being slaughtered while fully conscious is a daily reality for 40% of the slaughtered cows, bulls and calfes.

These are only a few of the many unbelievable facts of what is related to animal products.

 

Geese are force-fed until their legs cannot hold their weight anymore, the testicles of piglets are cut off without anaesthetics, calves are taken away from their overloaded mothers right after birth, and too many little bulls never see the light of the sun. Instead they are locked in so tight that they can't even more, to make their flesh more tender. Being slaughtered while fully conscious is a daily reality fo 40% of the slaughtered cows, bulls and calves. These are only a few of the many unbelievable facts of what is involved with the production of animal products.

 

Although it is obvious that animals feel joy as well as pain man does not grant them the simple right to live and be unhurt.

People must think that dying is a fun thing to do. Nobody seems to have feelings left. Why does everyone assume that it is normal to drink the milk of another mammal? Why does everybody think that it is justified to separate a mother from its child to get her milk and why should it be less painful for animals than for humans? Why does everybody think that it is normal and even healthy to eat carcasses? Why is the knowledge of the death of millions so irrelevant? I am confronted with ignorance and I am shocked about the cold heartedness that I am seeing every day. Where has compassion gone?

 

Although it is obvious that animals feel joy as well as pain man does not grant them the simple right to live in peace. People must think that dying is a fun thing to do. Nobody seems to have any feelings. Why does everyone assume that it is normal to drink the milk of another mammal? Why does everybody think that it is justified to separate a mother from her child to get the milk and why would it be less painful for animals than for humans? Why does everybody think that it is normal and even healthy to eat carcasses? Why is the knowledge of the death of millions so irrelevant? I am confronted with ignorance and I am shocked about the cold-heartedness that I am seeing every day. Where has compassion gone?

 

“Oh yes, the circumstances for animals are very bad. Poor things.”, are common phrases, right next to: “But I just really like the taste of it so much.”. People know and decide to ignore it. “We’ve always eaten meat and dairy products.”, is another common “argument”.

 

"Oh yes, the living conditions for animals are very bad. Poor things," are common phrases, right next to; "but I just really like the taste of it so much." People know and decide to ignore it. "We've always eaten meat and dairy products," is another common "argument"

 

I do understand that it can be difficult to change what someone is used to since birth. But the fact that taste as well as tradition is valued more than the life of a living being is worth thinking about. I fail to understand how one can know about the cruelty and still enjoy his hamburger. Not eating animal products is a gain instead of a loos. To feel that way it needs compassion.

 

I understand that it can be difficult to change what someone is used to since birth. but the fact that taste as well as tradition are valued more than the life of a living being is worth thinking about. I fail to understand how someone can know about the cruelty and still enjoy their hamburger. Not eating animal products is a gain rather than a loss. To feel that way requires compassion.

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Hey Richards, thanks very much for your post. I really like what you wrote. Now I am eager to know, what my teacher will say monday.

 

Maybe I should start to read more in english to get back into the language and into how to phrase things. I see that my article is really thought in german and then translated. That's what my german critics also mentioned.

 

*not sure if you mean legal or illegal. Illegal is against the law.

I ment "legal", since cigaretts and alcohol are not forbidden by law , but just as addictive and unhealthy.

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Hey Richards, thanks very much for your post. I really like what you wrote. Now I am eager to know, what my teacher will say monday.

 

Maybe I should start to read more in english to get back into the language and into how to phrase things. I see that my article is really thought in german and then translated. That's what my german critics also mentioned.

 

*not sure if you mean legal or illegal. Illegal is against the law.

I ment "legal", since cigaretts and alcohol are not forbidden by law , but just as addictive and unhealthy.

 

Ahh, I see about the legal drugs. In that case, I think I'd specify a bit more. By saying 'legal drugs', it suggests that you think illegal drugs aren't so bad or something, heh. I'd be more inclined to just say drugs, or to say 'But besides the senselessness of smoking and drinking'. Anyway, I think you've done really well in tackling this subject which is a description of thoughts and feelings, which I think is a tough one to do in a foreign language. I think that generally when learning another language, you're given vocabulary to deal with physical things, and questions, rather than a range of ways to talk about what you think or feel, that's my experience anyway. So yeah, I'd be interested to hear what other subjects other people have chosen?

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We had to exchange papers with our neighbor, so I know, that a fellow student wrote about "beeing late" as one thing that bohers her most. That she often has to wait for someone to apear etc.

I would imagine that "smoking" is a topic aswell, but maybe we'll introduce some on monday.

 

The good thing is, that not only my teacher had to read my paper, but also a student. Thus I allready have two people, who were confronted with my thoughts.

 

And about the "legal drug" term: I actually wanted to point out that alcohol as well as tabaco are just as much drugs as "illegal drugs", but for most people "drugs" means heroin, grass etc. Only illegal drugs count as "drugs". And that's why I wrote it that way.

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We had to exchange papers with our neighbor, so I know, that a fellow student wrote about "beeing late" as one thing that bohers her most. That she often has to wait for someone to apear etc.

I would imagine that "smoking" is a topic aswell, but maybe we'll introduce some on monday.

 

The good thing is, that not only my teacher had to read my paper, but also a student. Thus I allready have two people, who were confronted with my thoughts.

 

And about the "legal drug" term: I actually wanted to point out that alcohol as well as tabaco are just as much drugs as "illegal drugs", but for most people "drugs" means heroin, grass etc. Only illegal drugs count as "drugs". And that's why I wrote it that way.

 

Ah yeah, I see what you mean. Ummm... I guess maybe I would say:

 

'Someone who drinks beer and smokes and eats hamburgers represents the things that I loathe. But besides the senselessness of consuming those legal drugs...'

 

How's that? Some people might have been confused about the word 'drugs' because, like you say, many people don't even consider smoking and drinking to be drugs (even though they are!).

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi everyone, well, I got my paper back and this is what she wrote:

"Overall, a focused and clearly structured essay. This essay can be improved in terms of pragraphing. A more convicing essay would use fewer generalizations, such as 'why does everyone...?'. See my notes on language to identify areas to improve."

 

But she really didn't correct much. It is very disapointing. I can't learn from what she gave back to me. There are 3 sentences that she commented with "syntax"... but not how make it better. She pointed out some wrong spelling and put a questionmark next to the description of the dead animal lying in eggs and milk (of course ).

 

Well, that's it. She tiped the comment and underneath is a number, so I guess that's my grade. If it is, then I did get a B, if not, I don't know what it means.

 

If anyone is interested I can put my other article on here too. We have to make a little student magazine as a group work project and everyone has to write two articles. I have one about veggie BBQ

Does anyone know how to put a whole Word Dokument online? Because it is nicer with all the pictures

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I had a few friends from Germany that lived with a family near my school so they could play tennis...well they were here for three years before I met them and their english was nothing close to yours...I mean writing it...they didn't speak to great either(not nockin...they knew more english than I knew German)

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they were here for three years before I met them and their english was nothing close to yours...I mean writing it...

Thanks for the compliment

Now I feel motivated to put my other article online too. Let's see...

 

I want to put the whole word document online. But i don't know how...

Richard, do you know? If anyone then you

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I want to put the whole word document online. But i don't know how...

Richard, do you know? If anyone then you [/color]

 

How do you mean? Do you mean you want it to be on a website which contains articles (getting it published online), or do you mean just getting it hosted so that it is online and could be accessed by a URL which you can give to people for them to see it?

 

I don't know how you could get it published, you'd have to just find an appropriate website who would be interested in publishing, and contact them. If you just wanted it hosted online so it can be accessed, I would be happy to put it on godfist.com for you.

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I don't remember what the place is called but there is a place that will publish any book anyone writes...of course you've gotta get a loan to get a decent amount printed but even if you wanted to waste their time they would print one book(hardback too if you were crazy enough)...saw it on a late night infomercial

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I don't remember what the place is called but there is a place that will publish any book anyone writes...

I've heard of that too, but I only have about one page of text

 

How do you mean? ... If you just wanted it hosted online so it can be accessed, I would be happy to put it on godfist.com for you.

I meant putting on this board like a picture or a link or something like that, because I want to maintain the structure of the text, which includes three pictures.

 

The article is rather short, but if you would put it on your page I actually would be very happy

You could also easily take it off again then.

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