Double Standards

[hsorlando]

For me being honest is the most important thing, but not brutally honest. You can do it in tactful ways, by telling the person that you're worried about them, and that if they eat better that they'd be healthier, and probably happier. But you really can't force the person to change, because in the end it is ultimately up to that person to want to change.

[beforewisdom]

For me being honest is the most important thing, but not brutally honest. You can do it in tactful ways, by telling the person that you're worried about them, and that if they eat better that they'd be healthier, and probably happier. But you really can't force the person to change, because in the end it is ultimately up to that person to want to change.

 

Years ago the thought came to me that being "totally honest" was not the same thing as feeling that I had to tell everyone every single thought that popped into my head.

 

Once I started living by that I noticed more wonderful people coming into my life and *staying* in my life.

[FormicaLinoleum]

Years ago the thought came to me that being "totally honest" was not the same thing as feeling that I had to tell everyone every single thought that popped into my head.

Exactly--it's a very important difference. My experience has been that whenever someone says something along the lines of "I'm the kind of person who likes to be honest" or "I just tell it like it is", it is almost always code for "I don't care whether I hurt other people with what I say".

 

If you feel you need to share a negative and potentially hurtful opinion with someone because you think in the long run it will be helpful, then you should think of the best and least hurtful way to say it. If you're going into it with an "I don't care if this hurts him/her" attitude, then something is wrong there, IMO. If you care about the person, why wouldn't you care about whether you hurt him/her?

[Richard]

I am absolutely rubbish at phrasing things, I've been training myself over the last... 5 years or something. I used to be ultra abrupt and like "well this is the truth, just deal with it", but I eventually became aware that it can be really upsetting to some people. So now I try my best to phrase what I say in a constructive way, and make it as useful as possible. But I think I still have a lot of work to do. I get used to talking to people in the way that I'd like people to talk to me... but not everyone is like me, so it's not always appropriate

[veggieprincess]

Years ago the thought came to me that being "totally honest" was not the same thing as feeling that I had to tell everyone every single thought that popped into my head.

Exactly--it's a very important difference. My experience has been that whenever someone says something along the lines of "I'm the kind of person who likes to be honest" or "I just tell it like it is", it is almost always code for "I don't care whether I hurt other people with what I say".

 

If you feel you need to share a negative and potentially hurtful opinion with someone because you think in the long run it will be helpful, then you should think of the best and least hurtful way to say it. If you're going into it with an "I don't care if this hurts him/her" attitude, then something is wrong there, IMO. If you care about the person, why wouldn't you care about whether you hurt him/her?

 

I agree 100% It is called TACT

[Guest]

I definitely pay attention to what I say to people I care about. I don't go harsh unless I know thats the only thing thats gonna work. Health is no joke and for some its life or death. If need be I'll say anything but I'd rather not if I can go a different route. Thing is...most people are too stubborn and don't take to the kind route...which is why there are so many fat people in this country. I'm not saying there aren't any honest people left but when everyone around you is overweight and just thinks you're a little more overweight...nothing will ever get pointed out as much as it should be. When I was 300lbs I had no problem telling someone that weight 250lbs that they were fat. Someone thats really stupid can tell someone that kind of stupid that they are stupid...its all true but if people keep quite the idea of a fat person will die with the idea that saying someones fat is wrong.

[Gaia]

About getting the gf to workout because YOU think she NEEDS to.

 

You could try a different approach. Books are boring (so my kids tell me) and since I am the cook, the food is whatever I prepare (and I am a very good one otherwise this family would not stay vegan). My husband does not like to go to a boring gym and workout (a waste of time to just haul weights up and down). So instead he plays hockey with the old guys during drop in at the rink, windsurfing on our little lake during the summer, and goes biking with the kids/soccer practice with the kids. (We won't mention the wife's to do list for the backyard during the summer or the shoveling of snow in the winter ). In other words, he keeps in shape his way (and not my way - running, weightlifting, and yoga).

 

See where I am going with this? Need to find her "thing" that she likes. Maybe try something new yourself with her. Try a step class, a pilates class, yoga class, running for a good cause (many have prep runs and conditioning to go along with the run), or maybe even hiking out in the woods.

 

Having a partner that is a little overweight should not be a factor in the relationship. From my experience of gaining weight with pregnancy, or in the downs of my life, it is only temporary and can be changed with time. There are other more important factors to consider. Weight is just the easy excuse to use to cover up the more deep factors.

[Guest]

You're definitely right about times of weight gain. Its natural to gain weight after child birth and I wouldn't rag on a new mom for gaining weight. But if the weight keeps going up things need to change for her own good. Also I think having babies works as an excuse for far too long. You should be obese 10 years after having your last kid...it doesn't matter how many kids you had. Looking at whats out in nature it looks like very few animals if any carry a lot of fat for extended periods of time after giving birth....why should we be any different???

[Gaia]

I am having a hard time thinking of any animal that gets fat and stays fat for an extended time (besides humans of course). Does a whale with all that blubber for the coldness of the ocean and ballast count? Then again, maybe the ratio of blubber/fat to muscle of a whale is in the norm. Bears get fat/big for the hibernation of winter, but are skinny/normal when they return in the spring. Do you think cats and dogs, or any animal that is taken care of by a human and gets fat count?

[Guest]

Whales(and elephants) actually do gain quite a bit of weight when carrying but their so big you can't really tell. I can't think of any other animal though. Lots of animals gain weight for winter but they lose it later on...I wouldn't call a bear fat though...they're the size they should be. I wouldn't count dogs/cats either though since in general they eat what you give them while they wouldn't be able to do that in the wild. But even then...most dogs lose all the weight pretty soon after giving birth...minus the growth of breasts even after feeding is done.