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Jason Voorhees

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Everything posted by Jason Voorhees

  1. You have 1 month to get to 10,000 posts, otherwise I will cut your head off
  2. I'll cut your arms off like it's Christmas for breakfast. I bash your face against a wall until your freaking head busts. You can eat your crusts, then I'll turn you into dust - yes I've got it sussed, the only thing to trust is that I'll snap your knees backwards like they were dry spaghetti. I'm immortal, you're human, I even battled Freddy. I'll grate your face off and feed it to your pets. Stab you in the chest, pull it out and watch a jet of blood splash across the floor, I've seen it all before, I grab you by your neck and slam your head inside the door. Wait for you to wake, rip your skin off with a rake, I'll drag your ass to the oven, now it's time to shake and bake. I'll cook you in a pie, but I won't let you die. You'll jump out at dinner, give your family a surprise, with your mangled face and bones - you've been completely owned. I left mousetraps on the floor so you'll catch them on your toes.
  3. I piss on your grave because I don't need to shave. I've been dead for years, living in a forest like Ray Mears. I've got no beard, but I'm just as feared as Chuck Norris. I'll make porridge out of your lungs. I eat your face and your eyes come out in my dung. I bung harpoons at your ass, I took Scorpion to class. Mortal Kombat didn't want Voorhees, because nobody had a fatality that could finish me. Subzero tried to step, he pulled my head off which he kept. But my body was alive, and I got him in the piledrive. Re-attached my head, Subby wasn't dead, instead he was bitching "That hurt, my hands are twitching". I didn't say anything because I can't speak. I put my machete through his skull, gave him a beak. At my peak I killed 156 people with one punch. I don't care if columbo has a hunch, I lunge at his salty ass and suplex him onto a glass table. He'll have one more question I'm sure. This one time I executed 'The Cure'. I don't like em, whiny little brats. Stuck them in the neck with a nail bat.
  4. You survived another year. Here, have a 0% beer. Non-alcoholic, Johnny Mnemonic; is it any good? I never saw it. You better balawv it, Jason's in the bizzie. I spin piledrive you and leave you dizzy. Your saliva will be fizzy once Jason has dizzy wizzy*. I suplexed Uncle Buck, I think that's my PB. Arnie stepped up, he wanted a piece. I bitch slapped his ass, and then I slapped his face. Double whammy, gave him a sore fanny, he kicked my in the face, he gone and inflamed me. Then I hit the Elbow; top rope, it hit home. He crumbled like he was made of clay. Jason Voorhees says Happy Birthday. *done with you
  5. "Jason and Chuck Norris take the Human Race apart from the people who don't suck"
  6. You can take Chuck Norris to protect you. I will stay here on Earth and deal with everyone.
  7. It's new year but I don't drink beer. I like the smell of fear, I've brought a cup to catch your tears. I rhymed four words in a row, he we go, yo, I have ten toes. I did it again, it's hockey mask time. That means I'm wearing a hockey mask and it's time. Time for what? I kill you on the spot. I don't mean acne, I mean where you're standing. Fool, you better step back, Jason in full effect. My head is deformed from a birth defect. That's cool, I cut out the superficial like I cut out your brains. I have stains on my pants, you'll get a pain in your throat when I machete you out of your coat, and make your head into a boat. You don't know how that's possible? It's advanced origami like in mission impossible. You seen that movie? They don't do origami. I can't believe you're arguing with Voorhees, you're about to get crushed, homie. I once powerbombed three guys onto a jeep at the same time. It exploded and all there was left was eight spines. Like in mortal kombat. I don't understand the font Dingbat. Or webdings. I can't websling, it's not one of my powers. You can't kill me, do you like my trousers? Of course you like them, they're all about the awesome. That reminds me, because it rhymes with Les Dawson. He's next on the list of pain, you think it'd be a shame? You're lame, I'm gunna hit him with a crane. Yeah I'm strong enough to lift one of those. I'd smack your face off with a piece of hose.
  8. I can guarantee you that it is strictly coincidental that Jay and me have similar names, we are different people.
  9. I cut down fools with my machete. You betty believe that I got plenty of energy, because I'm jason voorhees. I grab the mic then I put a spike up your ass. I'm not that fast but I come from the past. I'm a reanimated corpse, I rose from the dead so give me some applause. That rhyme was too much, I'll grind you into fudge. This one time I cut a guy in half at the waist. It was awesome, I know homies want to paste my posters on they wall because they want to be like their nigga voorhees. Please, I can't be beat. Literally, it is impossible. Freddy stabbed me in the eye, it just made me chuckle. I wanna fight superman, or hulk. They are both punks, they are too scared to feature in my movies. I cut off your mom's boobies. Fools try to come to my lake, that's the last mistake they'll make. It bugs me because I have OCD. I like stuff organized, but still people come to see me. I can't stand their footsteps on my grass and my water. This one time I killed a guy and his daughter. You'd think that with all the murders people would stay home, but instead they come here and get an axe to the dome. It's not like it's my fault, I just work here. If I hadn't been reanimated I'd be dead at the end of the pier
  10. No pain no gain? That's what I'm talking about.
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