Do you go looking for arguments?

[robert]

Do you go out of your way to create conflict and start arguments?

 

Do you enjoy being right or making others feel like they are wrong?

 

I'm just curious because I think it is human nature for some types of people to go out of their way to find or create arguments to make themselves feel better. I understand how that works and how that may feel. I don't do that myself and in fact, I avoid creating arguments. I think debating and discussing is fine and natural, but what I'm referring to is when conflict doesn't exist, but you go and create it.

 

It's not my style and I'm not saying it's bad, I'm just wondering if some of you fall into that category and would be interested in explaining why the urge is there to create conflict. My guess or assumption would be that some people see or hear misinformation or something that annoys them and then just can't take it anymore and create conflict to show how that person is wrong and they themselves are right.

 

I don't mean to start conflict here at all by posting this, and you can't win an argument against me because I choose not to argue (except with potter), but I am just interested in this perspective.

 

I've realized over the past few months that many people see things completely differently than me. I was hanging around people who see things as I see them so much that I thought everyone just saw things a certain way.

 

For example, I just assumed that everyone genuinely wants to be nice to others and acts in respectful ways....that is certainly not the case, and I've learned that.

 

I also learned that not everyone is goal-oriented and success-driven and motivated, and that is just the way it is, and that is OK.

 

So anyway, if you do go out of your way looking for arguments, I'd love to hear the rationale, simply because it is new to me. I know some of you here have that personality. Don't feel obligated to write anything, but if any of you do feel moved to do so, I'm sincerely interested in learning about it.

 

Thanks!

[Mike]

I think for some people (excluding myself, since I don't like to argue -but to each his/her own) it may be like a form of addiction. I think when somebody argues, the body experiences a "rush," and chemicals are released in the body to produce that rush. When a person is presented with an opportunity to create an argument (often where one doesn't need to exist), perhaps the body remembers the "rush" or "high" that was experienced by the last argument and craves that feeling, so it sends a signal to the brain to start an argument so it can have another fix of the "argument-related" chemicals. The more this happens, the more the behavior is reinforced. Even if arguing is emotionally unpleasant, it may be physically pleasing because it is satisfying the addiction.

 

That's just my personal theory . It could be way less complicated than that .

 

Mike

[SyrLinus]

Hrmm... I'll have a go.

 

I think sometimes we mistake looking for a debate or intelligent discussion with an argument. I love a good debate or intelligent discussion that makes me go "Hrmmm" more times than I have toes and fingers combined. So to me, I tend to think that others want this as well. That said however I do think that many will read posts and interpret the "tone" of the post based on their own daily experiences (e.g., they had a crappy day so the tone will be crappy, etc.) rather than what the writer had intended. The internet can be horrible for getting a point and it's hard to truly get the true tone of the writer across (although smileys can help, they are often ignored). I'm a prime example of that -- often I'm very direct and to the point because my desire is always to help. To that end I often get rid of fluff as much as possible to get to the solution.

 

I don't doubt that there are some who's lives are fulfilled by the scent of argument but I think the majority like a good debate and discussion that has a little heat to it.

[sydneyvegan]

As I have gotten older I find that I get into a lot less arguments and don't tend to start or get involved in them unless I feel very strongly about something. Sometimes I just don't have the time or energy to get involved in something that I know is going to go on an on and only serve to annoy me.

I guess I'm also hestitant to get involved because of my size and the way I look, a lot of people are intimidated by me, so if I get annimated in anyway they assume I am angry, when I am far from it.

All this being said, I'm happy to speak up about something that is annoying me, people are so rude and inconsiderate in this modern age that we live, manners and old fashion politeness have gone out the window. In these situations I tend to point out what they might want to be doing, or make a comment, people tend to listen as I look like the sort of person who could hurt them very badly.

 

An example of this might be, when you are trying to get off a train and the people on the platform try and push you out of the way and won't let you off. In these cases, in tends to go something like "Excuse me, Excuse Me, EXCUSE ME", then if they don't move I'll tell them "MOVE - let people off the $%(^& TRAIN"... When this fails I'll create my own path, using all my best Rugby Skills, Or Pick people up and move them to the side.

[Zack]

I like conflict sometimes, but the majority of the time I'm pretty soft spoken.

[Guest]

If its something I really care about I definitely do my best to make a point. Especially if its an argument I know others agree with me on...even if they support me and not join in the argument out of fear of backlash. When this happens I really give everything I have to hold my ground. I feel like I owe it to myself and the others that aren't confident enough to speak for themselves.

[xveganjoshx]

I like conflict sometimes

I like hate, bloodshed, and war. And cornbread.

 

Seriously though....

I don't go looking for arguments. Generally I don't like them. They add a hostile, uncool vibe to whatever social circle they occur in.

That said, I think they are completely natural and have to be handled and discussed.

My biggest thing is that I don't like lies and fraud. Whenever I see something that I feel is fraudulent or untrue I WILL call it out. And I will do my best to expose it for what it is.

Other than that though, I generally keep the peace. I am from NY, you must understand, so I can have a very dry, sarcastic overtone to what I say, some of which is hard to convey over the internet. I think miscommunication is one of the real problems with arguments, it's the turning point where a discussion turns into an argument, and I think this can be hard to get around on the internets.

[Marcina]

Arguements always make me upset. I'm a submissive person, and have a hard time standing my ground on something. Even when I know somebody is wrong. I could never be a politician or an activist because I hate to argue so much that I will just surrender. My parents used to argue all the time. My sister likes to argue. She will argue with me over the stupidest things.. In fact she gets downright rude about it, and when she finds out she's wrong she doesn't say much about it. I wonder if she feels stupid?

[Lean and Green]

When I was very young... like 10 years old, I used to never listen to what anyone had to say. Because I was a smart child, I thought I knew it all and I had to always be right. Several years later, it was still like that and one day my father sat me down and told me that I should listen to what people had to say instead of always talking. I would learn alot more and people would be more receptive to what I was saying. I listened to him and as a result, became a much better listener. I also no longer profess to know everything. I have learned alot more this way and people appreciate me and enjoy stimulating conversations now. I feel much better this way. Another thing about me is that is is virtually impossible to piss me off. It never happens and if it does it generally is inflicted from the people I love the most. This works in my favor and prevents me from losing control and getting into arguments. It also helps to end ones started by the other person who is speaking to me...

 

http://img296.imageshack.us/img296/720/peacepolelp0.jpg can't we all just get along?

[robert]

I appreciate the comments and feedback so far. I am sincerely interested in the mindset of those who go looking for conflict and bring it about wherever they go (some realize they are this way, some don't).

 

I'm not suggesting that it is a bad thing, it is different that what I am familiar with and if I am to be more effective in my communication with people who willingly create conflict, it behooves me to understand it better.

 

I am actively looking to understand different perspectives for a variety of reasons, primarily personal growth.

 

Thanks.

[Jessifly]

I think when one finds them in the midst of a conflict, especially an intellectual conflict, it is an incredibly powerful opportunity for self growth to be able to honestly admit to oneself and others "I am wrong, but I am learning" and especially to be thankful for the opportunity to gain a new perspective. The best way to get to this I think is through listening and observing and to thoughtfully ask questions if views differ.

 

Perhaps those who create conflict want to experience that but don't necessarily know how to engage in a constructive manner.

 

I am for the most part a conflict-avoider, drama and negativity make me incredibly uncomfortable. But there are a few things I will defend passionately. I am baffled to see at times that individuals who seem to care about the well-being of their fellow humans beings would say or act in a way to irresponsibly(hurtfully) give rise to conflict in minor disagreements. Perhaps what is considered minor to some is not to others but I'm not so sure that is a legitimate excuse for the majority of conflicts.

 

I think though that playing devils advocate (if done respectfully) can be beneficial.... imagine having an opposing view and then arguing FOR that view. I admit I did that anonymously for a bit on a political-themed blog a couple years ago and I learned quite a bit and ultimately changed my stance by arguing against my original view!

[Richard]

I used to be a much more outwardly angry person than I am now, and although I wouldn't have admitted it / seen it that way at the time, I did deliberately disagree with people when possible, or start conversations that I knew would lead to an argument. I think the reason for that was that I was sick of whatever point of view it was that I wanted to argue about, and I wanted everyone to see what I considered to be the truth. It really irritated me that people would believe XYZ, and so whenever possible I'd try to get into that conversation to see if I could break them down; I was angry with them for thinking the way they did.

 

These days, my feelings are often much the same, but I've come to realise that simply hunting people down and getting into an argument actually doesn't achieve anything, it just gets everyone down, including myself. I don't like arguments, and I don't think I ever did, I just felt like it was my duty to educate people. I'm much more willing to back down these days, and realise when there is a dead end, rather than bang my head against the wall. I think I have things in proportion much more than I ever did, I still have my pet peeves, when I hear certain points of view, my blood boils, but I have learnt to remind myself that they are little things and it's not necessary to argue with someone every time. There are bigger, more destructive opinions that I hear which I still feel the need to argue against (racism, sexism, homophobia) - but even then, I'm more likely to just say what I think, then leave it at that. It's worth standing up for it, it's not worth going over a million times with a person who will seemingly never appreciate another point of view.

 

Also (which might seem really patronising, but really I just see it as a depressing fact), I have learnt that the vast, vast majority of people just will not change their minds, on anything, so debates / arguments are pretty much pointless the vast majority of the time. I'll test the waters, say what I think, then when they (almost inevitably) come back with some utter nonsense, I just say whatever, and leave them to it, because I've argued so many times about so many topics, that I can often see when someone isn't going to change, and when they have circular beliefs.

[Gyre]

What I mostly work to consider is the physical structure of thought within the mind. Understanding what people may be carrying with them or what what is surrounding them. They can hide these Things and not even know of their existence. I try and paint a picture that we both live in within a conversation, or at least a conversation with enough depth to float a solid thought. This way your ideas and my ideas can experience each others without a separation of worlds. At this point I get a mental image of a bunch of different Jim Henson's puppets interacting. When presented with opposition you can either deflect and redirect or just give up, try another day. I find that some to a good amount of people have the same idea that I do but they have a perspective that only works on their world of ideas and conversation. This could almost be a direct relation to sustainability. But anyways I find that eventually people want to stop painting a picture and just hang them up on the wall so that later on they can look at them and remember. Of coarse this picture would now be the sensory input and ,if aware enough, output of any interaction. If you are lucky some will show you their picture or even let you borrow it, maybe to study it's lines and curves and shades. So when I have a conversation I show them my picture and I wonder if they just don't like the picture, don't get it. If you look directly for what you are to receive and not what is being communicated you lose a third of the equation. Example:

Phase one:Get underpants.Phase 2: ... Phase Three:PROFIT!

South Park reference. So in this way there is only an argument, for me when a conversation is more upon the value of a picture and not the picture. When I make the mistake of placing even no value on my pictures even though they themselves may agree that it has greater virtue it can turn into an argument. So then it is required that I not feed a value based system on ideas while keeping an unbiased yet debatable subject matter alive. When dealing with an opposing view altogether I would love to hear how someone came to the decision they did as long as that is part of the conclusion they have come to,or not, understand. Kind of like the kid who steals things and beats people up because he was abused as a child. Especially in the example and how I work to come across there is no right within the situation. I tend to argue that there is no wrong done partly to explore that issue with people within their own systems. So in this way I genuinely don't think I am right. The conflict exists when we lack understanding or choose not to understand. So in this way I genuinely don't think anyone is wrong. If a person is willing to explore their own idea within the realm of others it makes something different than an argument. Although it could always start as an argument.

[xjohanx]

Do you go out of your way to create conflict and start arguments?

 

Do you enjoy being right or making others feel like they are wrong?

 

i love being right. it's what i do best

[Odidnetne]

I find myself arguing a lot, but people like to start with me, because they're positive they're right about eating meat and believing in God...then again, I am in Texas, where pretty much everything is backwards. :-/

[JW]

I generally don't like conflict but if is something that I am passionate about........ LOOK OUT!!!! I won't back down.

 

I really don't like to argue for the sake of arguing.

[sydneyvegan]

I wouldn't say I one of those people that seeks out conflict, but I am not afraid of it either. I think there is a distinction between people that actively seek out conflict and those people who are not afraid of it.

 

Too many people sit back and watch things happen without saying anything. They let people walk all over them, sitting back not wanting an argument or a conflict.

 

I am not afraid to be the person in the crowd who steps up and says something. I call a spade a spade, so if someone is being unreasonable or just being a downright a*rsehole I'll speak up.

[robert]

I think that is very reasonable and something many of us can relate to. Overall, I think that is a very sound approach....not going after fights, but now allowing yourself to be taken advantage of. It is very hard balancing act for most people, but it seems like you've figured it out. That's good. I'm becoming more and more that way, speaking up more, and being more assertive without being a jerk, and while still respecting all parties involved in a given situation.

[Jay]

Do you go out of your way to create conflict and start arguments?

 

Do you enjoy being right or making others feel like they are wrong?

 

I'm just curious because I think it is human nature for some types of people to go out of their way to find or create arguments to make themselves feel better. I understand how that works and how that may feel. I don't do that myself and in fact, I avoid creating arguments. I think debating and discussing is fine and natural, but what I'm referring to is when conflict doesn't exist, but you go and create it.

 

It's not my style and I'm not saying it's bad, I'm just wondering if some of you fall into that category and would be interested in explaining why the urge is there to create conflict. My guess or assumption would be that some people see or hear misinformation or something that annoys them and then just can't take it anymore and create conflict to show how that person is wrong and they themselves are right.

 

I don't mean to start conflict here at all by posting this, and you can't win an argument against me because I choose not to argue (except with potter), but I am just interested in this perspective.

 

I've realized over the past few months that many people see things completely differently than me. I was hanging around people who see things as I see them so much that I thought everyone just saw things a certain way.

 

For example, I just assumed that everyone genuinely wants to be nice to others and acts in respectful ways....that is certainly not the case, and I've learned that.

 

I also learned that not everyone is goal-oriented and success-driven and motivated, and that is just the way it is, and that is OK.

 

So anyway, if you do go out of your way looking for arguments, I'd love to hear the rationale, simply because it is new to me. I know some of you here have that personality. Don't feel obligated to write anything, but if any of you do feel moved to do so, I'm sincerely interested in learning about it.

 

Thanks!

I kind of think you go a bit too far in the direction of not speaking up when you disagree. Maybe you have a valid point of view yourself? I've felt slightly insulted in the past when you didn't share your own viewpoint. As if you didn't think enough of the person to share with them.

 

Now, does that create conflict, me telling you that? I almost feel that as if you view any disagreement as "creating conflict".

 

Provided people can manage to act civilized (which I've learned they can't it seems) discussing disagreements is a wonderful thing. It's a great way to Learn. To become a better person. Just hiding disagreements from one another means going nowhere.

 

Yet, that is what people do. They see someone doing/acting in a way that they disagree with. And they don't tell them. They just have nothing to do with them. They leave them to their isolation.

 

I think people have a duty to Speak up. To show that they do care about their fellow man/woman. That they want them to be happier, etc.

 

But they don't. Indifference it seems is the way of man.

 

With probably 10,000 total posts on the internet. I could disappear tomorrow and no one would know or ever care. I've tried to care so much. And I have received almost nothing in return.

 

Well that's life! Anyway I'm married and it's not as if I'm allowed to be really close to more than one person anyway.