Hipposuction

[offense74]

Hilarious article by Bill Harris, MD from http://vegsource.com/harris/hipposuction.htm :

 

http://vegsource.com/harris/common/Hippo.GIF

 

by

Bill Harris MD

 

I took my new manuscript to Nathan Bookbinder the other day.

 

Nate's the publisher of "Eat Fat and Grow Thin", "Weight Loss Without Willpower", and "Sweet Leilani's Gluttons in Paradise Hawaiian Weight Watchers Diet". For those who fail there's "The Fat is Beautiful Self-Esteem Support System", by John Doublespeak Ph.D, and "Fat Pride" by the French obesity activist Marcel Avoirdupois. Over the years Nate's made fifteen quadrillion dollars on diet books.

 

"You've lost weight, Doc," said Nate as I came through the door. "Cancer?"

 

"Not true," I said. "I'm the same as last time but you've gained a bit. Probably makes me look skinny by comparison."

 

"What's on your mind, Doc?" asked Nate. "It's a busy day, we're doing the proofs on Bea Hogg's 'Gorge Yourself to a Slender New You'."

 

I tossed my book on the table and Nate read the title: "Kahuna's Guaranteed Get Slim, Stay Slim, Vegan Food Plan".

 

He opened the cover and read:

 

1. Eat no foods of animal origin.

2. Use no processed, fried or refined foods.

3. Pig out on what's left: fruits, vegetables, grains, seeds, and nuts.

4. Exercise a little bit.

 

"Thats all?" asked Nate, thumbing through the rest. "I don't get it, one 4 line paragraph and 299 empty pages? The title's longer than the book. "

 

"I knew you'd never publish a one page book," I said, "They can doodle in the blanks or write to their friends. The pages get smaller toward the end so you can record daily weight."

 

"No pizazz," said Nate. "Where's the gimmick? No spinoffs, no vitamins, no tee shirts, no supplements, no TV residuals. No movie stars!"

 

"A million copies the first year then nobody ever does another diet book," I said.

 

"How am I going to make money?"

 

"Be honest," I said. " Sell pencils in the streets."

 

"How do I know it works?" asked Nate, his eyes narrowing.

 

"There aren't any fat vegans," I said. "A few who might blow away in a breeze but no fat ones. Show me a fat man and I'll show you a meateater."

 

"A vegan's like a vegetarian, right?" asked Nate."I knew a great fat lump of a vegetarian once."

 

"Maybe a lacto-vegetarian," I said. "Cow's milk is hyped as 4% fat by weight but it's 50% fat by calories.Most cheese is worse. Lacto-veggies can be overweight. Not vegans."

 

"The dieticians are already on my back for the stuff I've published before," wailed Nate.

 

"They should be," I said. "Aside from that, a typical American scene is fifteen fat people in a hamburger stand reading handouts from the dieticians. And following their advice."

 

"Fat people," mused Nate. "Those are a cruel and callous words. Obesity is an intractable predicament. It's not for laughing."

 

"It's no predicament," I said. Diets are a Chinese fire drill. Diets don't work and the fat people know it, that's why they try a different one every year. They know the bottom line: if you absorb fewer calories than you burn you lose weight. Period. First Law of Thermodynamics. They also know they'll get adequate nutrients and absorb fewer calories on vegan food; just is they'd rather be boiled in snake oil than go vegan."

 

"That's it!" exulted Nate. "They'll never do it. They'll never do it, snake oil first. I'll never go out of business, they'll never lose weight, at least not permanently, I'll have a new diet for 'em every year...Doc, I'll buy your manuscript and I'll give you fifty bucks."

 

"Sold," I said. "When does it hit the bookstores?"

 

"Who's talking about bookstores?" said Nate. "I'm gonna lock it in my safe."

[lmmy]

Ironically (as I noted in my other post), I am having to gorge myself, and I'm still not getting to an acceptable calorie level. Of course, it's almost universally fruits and vegetables that I'm eating. 60 grams of fiber a day = good for you.

 

I'm still overweight, though. Maybe that will change..

 

P.S. This is hilarious, though, if not totally true (I know many fat vegans -- admittedly, they eat a lot of processed foods, so that point's given), but the author has the mentality of the diet industry dead-on.

[9nines]

Lmmy,

 

How much fruit do you eat? Are you sure your caloric intake is only 1600 to 1800? I was very surprised when I calculated all the calories from just four servings of fruit that I would eat daily.

[lmmy]

Yes, I do. I use the SparkPeople calorie calculator, and list all I eat diligently. Days I stay home, I can eat a little more because I have a ready source of food, but I was out only 4 hours today (got out of bed at 10 -- went to bed at 12), and I ate about 1,800 calories, give or take anywhere from 0-100. I was full all day, but I was still eating, and I'm still full, but I don't feel I need to eat anymore.

 

It's a really big change for me, actually; when I was eating processed foods I was eating for the taste, and "living to eat" as they say, counting calories just to see if I could have another cookie/soy dream bar. But now it's become more of a "eat so I have enough calories" thing, that is, I'm eating because I know I haven't eaten enough to sustain my body.

 

Surprisingly, apples are more calorie-dense than I thought. Four small apples has 250 calories.. weird. But each of them has 2+ grams of fiber.

 

Mainly what got me enough calories today was the bread I had; I had two sandwiches today, with green chile hummus, 1/2 red bell pepper each, and 10+ grams broccoli sprouts.

 

If you don't believe me that's okay, but I mean it when I say that those days I spend at school, I have to eat near-constantly to get my calorie intake up to 1,600, much less 1,800 like I'm supposed to.

 

P.S. Upon reflection, it may also be that I drink ~a gallon of water every day, whether through teas or straight from the tap.

[9nines]

I believe you. I just threw posted the fruit has a lot of calories, to rule it out.

[chesty leroux]

That was funny. I'm a fat vegan tho. Well i'm not huge, but definately overweight. Recently quit eating bread. Was never really into soy stuff. Veganism hasnt been any miracle weight loss for me. Maybe i eat too many nuts and seeds. Or maybe i dont consume enough nutrients so my body holds onto it's weight. Something thats always irritated me about PETA is they don't offer any nutritional advice for new vegans. They promote all the vegan junk food and then say being vegan will help you lose weight. Malarky. But still they have great facts and stuff and motivated me to go vegan. Before i was a mad crazy ovo-veg who once in a while had fish sticks. Had a poultry lapse for a while. Then went vegan. Almost 4 years ago.

[escapee]

One thing i noticed on my weight reduction progress under vegan diet is that if i do not exercise regularly, my weight would just stay the same and fluctuate on the same range. If i combined that with regular exercise , it would go down quite noticeably . I'm not sure if everyone has the same experience . . but in my case , a combo of Vegan + daily exercise ( at least 30 mins walk or jog ) seems to work best for me (-ve calorie).

[pelicanAndrew]

That was funny. I'm a fat vegan tho. Well i'm not huge, but definately overweight. Recently quit eating bread. Was never really into soy stuff. Veganism hasnt been any miracle weight loss for me. Maybe i eat too many nuts and seeds. Or maybe i dont consume enough nutrients so my body holds onto it's weight. Something thats always irritated me about PETA is they don't offer any nutritional advice for new vegans. They promote all the vegan junk food and then say being vegan will help you lose weight. Malarky. But still they have great facts and stuff and motivated me to go vegan. Before i was a mad crazy ovo-veg who once in a while had fish sticks. Had a poultry lapse for a while. Then went vegan. Almost 4 years ago.

 

 

AHHHh finally!!! I thought i was the only one who thinks that about PETA!!

 

Speaking of which frosting free strawberry pop tarts are vegan.

[chesty leroux]

Ya seriously that irritates me about them so much. Eating all the processed vegan junk is prolly almost as bad as eating the real stuff. I'm glad they are influencing lots of people young and stuff, but from my perspective, once you gain weight its a bitch to lose.

[Daywalker]

That's hilarious!

 

Of course it's not 100% correct, but it's a nice parody

[cubby2112]

I have a friend who has just started her attempt at becoming vegan. She was a vegetarian for quite awhile before, so my job is to find vegan friendly junk food (I have to make her some homemade vegan paydays). The PETA website is very helpful for that, but as has been said, is not good for the nutritional aspect of veganism at all. But, it at least helps to get people's lips off of the cow's utter. They should provide some information on nutrition, though, because most people are completely bewildered by vegan nutrition (no milk? Where do I get my calcium?!).

[loveliberate]

Vegan friendly junk food = http://www.foodfightgrocery.com

[pelicanAndrew]

vegan essentials is good too if you're more in the midwest. I believe the shipping is a tad less if you wanna save some money.

[cubby2112]

Thanks, now I have some more direction in my searching.