How would you handle this situation?

[cocoacutie]

Hi guys!

 

So my brother is 18. He just moved in with me two months ago. He will be starting college next month. I'm happy to have him here but I'm getting tired of his BS. Basically, before he graduated high school he lost about 60lbs. While away, he gained it all back and then more. He finally got his first job and I'm happy for him. It's minimum wage, so I told him to keep his first months checks for himself to do what he needs, but after that I'd appreciate some help with some bills. Of course he didn't like that idea, and even whined about leaving to move back in with my mom (who lives 4hrs away )

 

So, anyway, since he's been living here I've been losing motivation. Seeing him be lazy is rubbing off on me. I've worked out maybe 4x in the past 2 months, whereas before I was doing some sort of activity 4-5x a week!

 

On top of all this comes eating. He knows I'm in my transistion. I can pretty much zone out his smart ass comments about me and my "crazy food" and my "green drinks" that I drink. I'm trying to be accomodating, buying him things that I no longer eat, but thats getting expensive. I've bought him chicken breasts, roast, fish to bake. I cooked the roast for him (used to be my best dish..surprisingly I had no cravings) and he picked over it for 2 days..I go out of town last weekend, come home and find fast food containers! I just feel like what's the point of me trying if it's going unappreciated

 

On top of it all, my brother tells me he wants to lose weight. I want to help him, but sheesh it's kinda hard to do when you're eating fast food, pop, and junk on an almost daily basis.

 

I'm really not trying to have this kid stress me out..so please i'm open to thoughts/suggestions. Im so frustrated by it all!

[Dallas]

I'm sorry I can't be any help. I think if one wants to lose weight and get toned up, it has to come from within.

[Marcina]

First of all, you're letting him stay there and not only that.. But letting him keep a few paychecks, and only asking for a little help with bills in return.

 

So, what I'm trying to say here is.. Bluntly.. Your brother is acting like an unappreciative brat.

He's 18. It's time to grow the hell up now. That means feeding himself, working, and paying bills. It's time to be a MAN and accept responsibility. It was nice enough of you to take him in, but it's not your job to be a mommy.

I would suggest sitting down with him and having an "adult" conversation. That means, he listens to you, you listen to him, and you come up with ideas on how to co-habitate.

That means no snarky comments about your diet, he helps out with bills and chores, and learns how to take care of himself.

 

And finally, he should buy his own food. If he's not going to eat what you feed him, he can get his own groceries. That was the agreement when I had to move back home. It's not that my folks aren't supportive.. It's the fact they don't know what hemp protein is.. Or hummus.. Nevermind where to FIND that stuff! Lol!

[Cold Fission]

Don't buy him animal products.

 

It's for his own good.And you even cook for him?LOL

 

He eats what you eat or he eats nothing!

[Richard]

Tell him how you feel calmly and rationally. He may not know how much he is upsetting you and stressing you out. It sounds like you are in the right, and it's your place. Set some ground rules, tell him how much money you want off him and to stop giving you shit about your diet. If he doesn't like it, kick him out and he can live with your parents right? How come he is living with you in the first place?

[lobsteriffic]

I second everything Marcina said.

[Northstar]

Whoa... you gotta put your foot down. You must be the nicest person ever to put up with that crap. If he was living with me he would be gone.

[cocoacutie]

Thanks all lol! Of course I'm in total agreement with everything that's been written. I've let him off the hook for to long as it is.

 

I do like the idea of him buying his own food, but I know it would just be junk/fast food. Honestly, he's lazy. Believe it or not, I'm the 'hard ass' no nonsense one in the family. I think I kinda just threw my hands up and said forget it.

 

I will say that the days of shopping for us both are over. He can either buy his own food or eat what I'm eating. Bottom line

 

I'll keep you all updated

[beforewisdom]

So, anyway, since he's been living here I've been losing motivation. Seeing him be lazy is rubbing off on me. I've worked out maybe 4x in the past 2 months, whereas before I was doing some sort of activity 4-5x a week!

 

Your motivation is under your control and nobody else's. It is your responsibility. It is not your brother's fault. Get some motivated people in your life. Workout even if you are not motivated. Once you start doing something, the motivation follows.

 

On top of all this comes eating. He knows I'm in my transistion. I can pretty much zone out his smart ass comments about me and my "crazy food" and my "green drinks" that I drink. I'm trying to be accomodating, buying him things that I no longer eat, but thats getting expensive. I've bought him chicken breasts, roast, fish to bake. I cooked the roast for him (used to be my best dish..surprisingly I had no cravings) and he picked over it for 2 days..I go out of town last weekend, come home and find fast food containers! I just feel like what's the point of me trying if it's going unappreciated

 

Your brother is a guest in your home, consuming your resources and giving you a hard time on top of it. He has been getting a great financial gift and he has been totally unappreciative like a child.

 

He is 18. It is time for him to start growing up. He should move out and begin taking care of himself. Seriously, nothing helps a person mature faster than working and paying their own way.

 

If he can not afford to move out he should cut his class load to work more. He can also take student loans out.

 

You could also offer him a discounted rent........after, he signs a lease like he would with anyone else where his financial and other responsibilities are spelled out.

 

I think it would be better if he moved out first. It is tough for someone starting out in life to appreciate breaks they get until they have experienced doing it on their own.

 

Bottom line, it is your home, your rules. There is no reason for you take his crap and it isn't doing him a favor either.

[cocoacutie]

Your motivation is under your control and nobody else's. It is your responsibility. It is not your brother's fault. Get some motivated people in your life. Workout even if you are not motivated. Once you start doing something, the motivation follows.

Thanks. You're right. I'm battling a severe depression right now, amongst other things going on in my life. I do feel like his lounging around is a factor. You've heard the saying, "misery loves company" Anyway, I will start trying to find some motivated folks in my area. Long gone are the days of email/phone call motivation. I'd like someone there!

 

 

Your brother is a guest in your home, consuming your resources and giving you a hard time on top of it. He has been getting a great financial gift and he has been totally unappreciative like a child.

 

He is 18. It is time for him to start growing up. He should move out and begin taking care of himself. Seriously, nothing helps a person mature faster than working and paying their own way.

 

If he can not afford to move out he should cut his class load to work more. He can also take student loans out.

 

You could also offer him a discounted rent........after, he signs a lease like he would with anyone else where his financial and other responsibilities are spelled out.

 

I think it would be better if he moved out first. It is tough for someone starting out in life to appreciate breaks they get until they have experienced doing it on their own.

 

Bottom line, it is your home, your rules. There is no reason for you take his crap and it isn't doing him a favor either.

I totally agree with the bolded. I worked full time 3rd shift, turned around and went to college full time and participated in organizations on campus. I've had a job since I was 13, and I'm 27 now!

 

I'm not trying to make excuses for my brother, but I dont' think college is for him. He went away to college, lived in the dorms for the entire school year. He did all his homework and assignments, but they just weren't completed on a college level. He was on academic probation both semesters!

 

I suggested to my mom and him to have him try out a community college. My mom doesn't want him home (with her) because she knows she's too soft on him. So, I opened up my home to him to allow him to go to school here. That way he can work some, go to school. He has some student loans out, but just enough to pay for his basics (tuition, books, supplies)

 

I really want to see him reach his full potential. I just think he's had his hand held for so long. It really has been detrimental. Changes are gonna come though! Thanks again.

[Jason Voorhees]

Hunt him down and kill him

[Marcina]

I have a suggestion.

 

If you don't want him buying his own food because he'll blow it on junk.. How about you add his food bill to the rent? That way, he's eating healthy and not overspending by eating out all the time.

 

Also... He should eat what you eat. Your house. Your rules. You make the meals, he eats them or starves. Sounds fair enough to me!

There's no reason why you should cater to him and prepare a meal for you and a separate meal for him. Would he do the same for you? Of course not!

[Cold Fission]

Hunt him down and kill him

I like it when you appear lol

[cocoacutie]

We talked. At first it was all going well. Then he started to get a slight attitude. I told him how his actions are and how they need to stop. He feels like since I don't have a TV, that all he can do is sleep all day. BS I said. I told him there is more to life than just sleeping the day away. He's waiting for 2 weeks until school starts and THEN he'll start working out. Whatever.

 

He started grumbling about how much money do I need, so that he'll just give me his whole check eventhough he makes nothing. It's so not about that though..It's about growing up, and realizing there is more to life.

 

This generation today is so fucking lazy it's pathetic. You would've thought I told him to go kill someone when I told him since he needs his sports to go join an intramural team and be ACTUALLY INVOLVED!

 

It feels to have gotten it all off my chest. Right now, he just looks like he's lost his best friend. lol, that shit doesn't work on me..my Mom yes..but not me. Oh well, shape up or ship out!

[julia]

Hmm.. do you workout at a gym? If so, maybe you could just drag him along with you and make an appointment with a personal trainer for him?

Maybe he could get some motivation through that..

 

Maybe it just takes a bit until he's thought about what you told him? Sometimes people just need a few days to let it sink in, do you think that's possible?

[cocoacutie]

Hmm.. do you workout at a gym? If so, maybe you could just drag him along with you and make an appointment with a personal trainer for him?

Maybe he could get some motivation through that..

 

Maybe it just takes a bit until he's thought about what you told him? Sometimes people just need a few days to let it sink in, do you think that's possible?

Yes I workout at a gym but I'd been slacking. He has no interest working out at my gym. He'd rather use the one in my apt complex. He said he likes to workout alone, but I feel more motivation when I'm around others who want the same things.

 

Plus, my gym has free personal training. Can't beat it.

 

But yes, since the original conversation we've had, has attitude has changed for the better.