offense74 Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 For those of you who haven't seen it: When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till."After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face. Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist. It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhouse kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris." Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger; it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the face that day. If you unscramble the letters in "Chuck Norris" you get "Huck corn, sir." That is why every fall, Chuck travels to Nebraska and burns the entire state down. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya". Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!" The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane". Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity." then you are dead wrong. Chuck Norris uses a live rattle snake for a condom. Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't f--k with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf. Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BrandonC Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 I have a feeling you like Chuck Norris? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richard Posted February 3, 2006 Share Posted February 3, 2006 I love the chuck norris comedy scenarios! harrr Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathryn Posted February 3, 2006 Share Posted February 3, 2006 Some of those are hilarious! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrispyQ Posted February 3, 2006 Share Posted February 3, 2006 Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ronnie kray Posted February 3, 2006 Share Posted February 3, 2006 HAHA i am trying to keep my laughter down because i am in a library, but damn that is hilarious! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sinisterkungfu Posted February 4, 2006 Share Posted February 4, 2006 The above was taken from the Chuck Norris Random Fact Generator: http://www.4q.cc/chuck/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robert Posted February 4, 2006 Share Posted February 4, 2006 Whoa, this is REALLY WEIRD! My friend likes these Chuck Norris statements and showed me some recently and I wrote my own. I was even thinking of posting them but I didn't think anyone would get it. I only read about 10 of them before making my own. I e-mailed them to my friends and they liked some of them. Ok here are the ones I came up with 2 weeks ago: Chuck Norris Originals by Robert Cheeke: Chuck Norris doesn’t shave because there is no razor sharp enough to tame his grizzle Chuck Norris doesn’t wear gloves when he fights because he wants to be able to feel bones breaking Chuck Norris once had entire large pepperoni pizza lodged inside his beard saved for a late afternoon snack. NASA had to put projects on hold when they discovered Planet Norris In one sitting Chuck Norris consumed 17 large bean burritos and that night in the bathroom gave birth to a 9 pound 7 ounce Junior Norris Chuck’s alphabet has 27 letters Chuck Norris once urinated off the top of a roof and filled an entire swimming pool Chuck Norris can nurse an elephant back to health by his breast milk alone Chuck Norris was kicked out of Oragami class for only making throwing stars, and using them on classmates Chuck Norris does not define sexual position names because he can do all of them Chuck Norris graduated from the college of martial arts with a 5.0 grade point average Chuck Norris has a can opener named after him, there is no further explanation needed Chuck Norris has landed on the moon, twice. And he didn’t use a space ship to get there Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BrandonC Posted February 4, 2006 Share Posted February 4, 2006 Chuck’s alphabet has 27 letters Haha, I really like that one! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robert Posted February 5, 2006 Share Posted February 5, 2006 That is funny, because I e-mailed this list to friends weeks ago and so far anyone who has provided any kind of response, liked that one the best You are the 5th person to mention that one as a stand-out one hehe, I like coming up with them, so expect more when I'm feeling bored at work. -Rob Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jonathan Posted February 5, 2006 Share Posted February 5, 2006 i saw one the other day which was pretty funny: chuck norris isnt hung like a horse - horses are hung like chuck norris. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Michelle Posted February 5, 2006 Share Posted February 5, 2006 So, what's the 27th letter? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrispyQ Posted February 5, 2006 Share Posted February 5, 2006 I like this one: Chuck Norris was kicked out of Oragami class for only making throwing stars, and using them on classmates. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Odidnetne Posted February 12, 2006 Share Posted February 12, 2006 Count me as #6, the 27 letter one was my favorite, though with the way these jokes are stretched, you could probably have made it up towards 30 letters. After all, it *IS* Chuck Norris... I wonder how he feels about these jokes? Quite surely he should have heard them by now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robert Posted February 12, 2006 Share Posted February 12, 2006 Yeah, he was asked about them on a talk show recently. He laughed at them and really enjoyed them, from what I was told by someone who either watched the talk show or heard about it. I think it is pretty awesome that people choose a guy like Chuck Norris to have as the super hero to write all these quotes about. I had no idea my 27th letter would be the most popular, but glad you like all like it -Robert Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robert Posted February 14, 2006 Share Posted February 14, 2006 Happy Valentine's Day from Chuck Norris http://i8.photobucket.com/albums/a22/fistofthenorthstar/chuck-norris-arete-s.jpg His tears cure cancer, too bad he has never cried! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robert Posted February 23, 2006 Share Posted February 23, 2006 This is for you Offense: http://i35.photobucket.com/albums/d197/roxburysuperstar/CNchangedmylife.jpg Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
offense74 Posted February 23, 2006 Author Share Posted February 23, 2006 Ayeah !After watching Richards ninja stuff I feel forced to rent some Bruce Lee movies and go nuts on the furniture at home. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richard Posted February 23, 2006 Share Posted February 23, 2006 Chuck Norris doesn't go from place to place, when he walks, the earth rotates, and the place comes to him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gorilla Posted February 23, 2006 Share Posted February 23, 2006 JOKES Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wannalift Posted February 24, 2006 Share Posted February 24, 2006 are you so sure that this whole chuck norris internet thing wasn't started by one of his PR people? this guy is a super conservative jerk in real life. he even sued someone who happened to look like chuck norris(walker texas ranger) for doing maritial arts in a local television commercial. apparently he doesn't quite make enough money. i did like "sidekicks" though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robert Posted February 24, 2006 Share Posted February 24, 2006 I actually know very little about Mr. Chuck Norris. My younger brother used to always watch Walker Texas Ranger on TV, so I've seen many episodes. I just heard about the internet craze about 2 months ago. Then I wrote some of my own Chuck Norris statements because, well, I like to write that kind of stuff. I came up with about 200 of my own slogans (that don't have to do with Chuck Norris). Maybe someday I'll post some of them online I seem to find these Chuck Norris images all over myspace.com It is too bad some people who appear to be somewhat awesome are jerks in real life. -Robert Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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