veganmadre Posted February 22, 2007 Share Posted February 22, 2007 I hate when dreams linger into the morning. I'm having one of those days today. I just had a day like that a few weeks ago, as well. Hmmm, I didn't realize until I just thought about it - the same people were in both dreams. Last week, I dreamt about my daughter Sofia. It brought up all kinds of sensitive emotions and made the day drag like no other. I miss her terribly and I often feel as though I'm alone (with the exception of Michael who has shown me more compassion than I realized possible). All of my new friends, most of my online friends...everyone knows me now "without" her. She did, after all, die within 2 days of moving to Pittsburgh from California. And there are days when I just want to talk about her - but not just talk about her - share her - and well, I have no one to share her with because my new life involves all people who didn't physically know her. It's akward to talk to people about her. I feel a loss when I'm talking about "our girls". I still want to tell people about "the missing one" but it's uncomfortable, at best, for the other party and what does it accomplish? Just a stressor. It also contributes to the stress I feel today, though. I realize how fleeing life is and I'm frustrated to be away from my other girls. What does it accomplish to work to pay someone to watch your children while you work? Grr. Beyond that fact that my job is mindless, the worst part for me is that Eva is stuck in a daycare center! When she's home with Michael and/or I, she's much more contented and agreeable. I really sense that daycare stresses her past her limit and interacting with her in the evenings can be trying (at best) after a long day for her - let alone that I'm tired and need a little time to unwind. Most average middle/low class families live like this but why? I'd much rather be poor and spend quality time with important people rather than live for the dollar. For those who don't know my little Sofia: http://i28.photobucket.com/albums/c240/veganmadre/f40f.jpg http://i28.photobucket.com/albums/c240/veganmadre/Sofia_Swinging-1.jpg http://i28.photobucket.com/albums/c240/veganmadre/Sofia4.jpg http://i28.photobucket.com/albums/c240/veganmadre/2_Hours_After_Repair_2.jpg http://i28.photobucket.com/albums/c240/veganmadre/sofia.jpg Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robert Posted February 22, 2007 Share Posted February 22, 2007 Hey Veganmadre, Some of us in this community were here a year ago when you lost your daughter. It was a very sad time and you've been amazingly strong since then. I can't relate, but I can imagine the dreams bring up strong emotions. I'm really sorry about your loss. I know what you mean about being stuck in a job and wondering why we're working to make money while family is somewhere else, or we'd rather be some other place, or with other people. I too would rather be poor and spend time with those that matter most to me. Feel free to share any frustrations you have here. Most of us are pretty understanding and may be able to relate to certain situations, like working while kids are in daycare or somewhere else. I hope today is a happy one and you can say goodbye to stress for the day. Enjoy time with your family when you get home. I'm happy to hear how much compassion Michael brings to the family too. That is really nice to hear. All the best my dear. You are a very strong woman. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
veganmadre Posted February 22, 2007 Author Share Posted February 22, 2007 Thank you, Rob! Your support (and the the very thoughtful care package you sent post her death) has always been extremely appreciated - even if over the past year I have not been able to verbalize it like I would have liked. Thank you again for the kinds words in this thread, as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robert Posted February 22, 2007 Share Posted February 22, 2007 We're like online family. I've experienced that feeling meeting people in person too. I will always try to support whenever I can. We appreciate your openness for such a sensitive topic. Thanks for trusting our community to be compassionate as well. Have a great, uplifting day! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flanders77 Posted February 22, 2007 Share Posted February 22, 2007 I really admire how strong you are! It touches me deeply to just imagine Anke or Marla could pass away. I really feel with you. When I came home today after work and saw my two girls playing and having so much fun I, too, thought: Why can`t I be with them 24/7?We are in the lucky position that I earn enough to pay the bills so that Anke can stay at home with Marla.I hope that you somehow manage to spend more time with your girl! Until then enjoy the time you have together as much as you can. One second can feel like a century! I send you a big hug over the atlantic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
veganmadre Posted February 22, 2007 Author Share Posted February 22, 2007 Thank you, flanders. I've always felt a special closeness with you given that our girls were not so far apart in age. I've always known that your sympathy is extremely genuine and have appreciated that tremendously! As for being with my girls, Michael and I fully intend to do so this summer as we quit our jobs and experience hippie life. Looking forward to it very much! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zack Posted February 22, 2007 Share Posted February 22, 2007 I really admire how strong you are! It touches me deeply to just imagine Anke or Marla could pass away. I really feel with you. When I came home today after work and saw my two girls playing and having so much fun I, too, thought: Why can`t I be with them 24/7?We are in the lucky position that I earn enough to pay the bills so that Anke can stay at home with Marla.I hope that you somehow manage to spend more time with your girl! Until then enjoy the time you have together as much as you can. One second can feel like a century! I send you a big hug over the atlantic. Your dedication to your family is always inspiring... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
offense74 Posted February 22, 2007 Share Posted February 22, 2007 I remember when she dissappeared from us. It made me realize that emotions can travel long distances even when expressed on an internet forum. It's always hard when someone so young passes away... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
veganmadre Posted February 23, 2007 Author Share Posted February 23, 2007 I was pretty distraught immediately after my daughter's death. Ironically, I had a real sense of everyones very sincere regret and sympathy. I appreciate all of you who expressed it once again - of all the people in my life now, I feel like the individuals on this board know me best - you knew me walking 4 miles a day pushing TWO little girls in a double stroller back in Watsonville, CA and you know me now in all of my cupcake fanaticism, travel and shared girlies with the one and only VBB&F michaelhobson. I didn't have an extensive network of friends/family during Sofia's life - other than my online family here. Thanks! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Odidnetne Posted February 23, 2007 Share Posted February 23, 2007 I can't even begin to imagine what it was like, but when I met you, you seemed to be very strong, as I could imagine it can still hurt, especially when you dream about her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Michelle Posted February 23, 2007 Share Posted February 23, 2007 Those dreams... I've had a very vivid dream about a close relative who had passed away. I remember waking up feeling disoriented and confused, then horribly sad.... and I remember feeling mildly disoriented for days afterwards. So, I sort of want to say that I know what it is that you're feeling... but at the same time, I can't even begin to fathom what you must be feeling. I'd like to send a couple hundred virtual hugs to you from me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
loveliberate Posted February 23, 2007 Share Posted February 23, 2007 Thank you for sharing your beautiful Sofia with us Tiffaney. I occassionally have really intense dreams that live me shaken long after I wake up. The ones with people I've been close to but who have died or otherwise passed out of my life are particularly intense... I can also fully relate to what yr saying about work vs. time with loved ones. My family is always dealing with that contradiction too & have ended up being broke most of the time. I hope that the summer goes great for ya'll & that both you & Michael get to spend a lot of time with your girls. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zack Posted February 23, 2007 Share Posted February 23, 2007 "They are not dead who live in the hearts they leave behind." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cubby2112 Posted February 24, 2007 Share Posted February 24, 2007 Sorry for your loss. It can hurt just as much to notice the empty hole a loved one has left in your life much later as when he or she first left. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tigress Posted February 24, 2007 Share Posted February 24, 2007 What a beautiful little girl ... she will always be with you, if not phsycially but in spirit... Im sorry you are having a bad couple of days ... get michael to give you extra hugs from us here xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Merched Figan Posted February 25, 2007 Share Posted February 25, 2007 That same night I had a dream that I was with a former close friend of mine. It made me think of her quite a bit that following day. She and I were very close. She was from China and she was new to my school (we were in fifth grade)--we became friends soon after her move (from Brooklyn, NY--where she moved to after being born/growing up in China). After finishing elementary school together, we stuck together as we made the transition to middle school (beginning with sixth grade). One day during the spring of our sixth grade year--my teacher announced to the class that she--my friend--wasn't in school because her father was killed in a car accident the previous night. I felt "kicked in the stomach", shocked, and devastated. I was keeping it in until about second period when I just couldn't take it and cried. We remained very close. That following summer, she and her mother moved back to China, partially due to the fact that her mother didn't speak very much English. That was very hard for me because she and I were so close and what bothers me now is that despite giving her my mailing address, I haven't heard from her. I'm not mad, but I do only hope that she's doing okay. Anyhow, I don't mean to be talking about myself. Though, veganmadre, the fact that you mentioned your dream amazed me by the fact that not only was it the same night I had my dream, but also that both of our dreams held very significant meaning to us even though our situations were different. By the way, Sofia is so dear and lovely--she is very lucky to have wonderful people like you and Michael in her life, as were you her. Like Tigress said, she will always be with you in spirit. I send you my best wishes as well as undying admiration for your openness and strength. I'm lucky to have finally met you in person too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
veganmadre Posted February 25, 2007 Author Share Posted February 25, 2007 Thanks to everyone for relating! I can always count on my friends here to understand - this board is much more than an internet distraction for me. (I suppose that explains 1000 posts, huh? ) Thank you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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